Out with the old---FOR GOOD!

So here we are on the verge of a New Year, and I feel the need to speak about some of the difficulties of the past three years, in the hope that by naming them, and throwing them up to the universe, I can start 2012 with a free mind and heart.

So......

1. To job loss. You totally suck and I took no comfort in knowing that we were suffering right along side the other 9% of America's unemployed. I felt no camaraderie as my family and I tried to figure out how to exist on a quarter of what we used to earn and without health insurance.

Though I am proud to say that I can work four jobs at a time and I will not break, that I absolutely know the value of a dollar, and a dollar menu, that it is okay to feed your children pasta, a lot, and riding your bike really is not only healthy but cost effective, I hope for god's sake I have learned all there is to learn in the unemployment chapter of life's book and 2012 will bring full-time and permanent employment to us all.

2. To loss of life. To my family and friends and friends' family who have passed on. The world does go on, but not easily. Every day does get a little brighter but never bright enough. You are missed, you are loved, and you will never be forgotten.

3. To health. I swear to god I could have lived very happily never having to have heard the words, " you have cancer," but that wasn't to be. The thing that makes me the most upset about these words is that they can never be taken back. Yes I had cancer and it was easily taken care of and cured, but it was the scariest time of my adult life, and I think that I am forever going to live in fear of tests and results. I hated to be reminded that I am vulnerable and that I always will be. A part of me did die that first day, and though things are now better, I will never be the same.

4. To time. This is such an awful paradox that continues to plague me. I hate the awareness of time passage. I hate knowing that days, weeks, months and years go by and yet so many minds stay closed, so many behaviors go unchecked, so many people continue to harm and regress all around us. I hate knowing that time forces me to look at all that has not been accomplished and may never be accomplished. Mostly I hate the awareness that my time is limited.

And yet, time has brought me a husband and two children who continue to grow and thrive and evolve. Time has given me the chance to make right my wrongs, to develop my relationships further, and to have yet another new year, where I can wish for peace, health and happiness for myself and those I love.

So here I am again, humbly acknowledging the passage of one year and hoping for wish fulfillment in the year ahead. Out with the old..........and PLEASE, in with (the better) new.

Is this the beginning or the end?

Here it is 4:52 am and I have been up all night. I can't sleep because in about 3 hours I am putting my first born on a school bus for her first day of Kindergarden. There are so many emotions floating around inside of me and as I muse on each one I can't help but think how remarkable a thing it is to watch your child grow.

I am so happy and excited for all the adventures and growth in Sadie's future. This summer she has really changed from my little girl into a kid. She is so sweet and funny and fascinated by her surroundings, I know that she will flourish in school and I am so jazzed to experience this wonderfully delicious time with her.

But I am sad thinking about the baby that she will never be again. She is sleeping in my bed right now, and I can't help but think how many more nights do we have where she wants to crawl into bed with us to seek comfort.

And I am nervous worrying about the environment that she is about to enter that is so much bigger and beyond my control. What if she hears a bad word, sees someone being unkind, learns an offensive saying, or gets teased? What if she cries or gets sick at school and I am not there?

There are so many emotions, so many thoughts. I keep thinking back to the beginning, when I was sick during my pregnancy, I had no idea who Sadie was and I kept wondering how I was ever going to love this baby that was causing so much difficulty. Knowing her after just a few days the question became how could I not love her. But just like that transition, from pregnant to parent, I know that this too will exceed anything that I could imagine.

So it is the end; end of the baby, end of the preschooler, and end of mom and dad being the center of the universe. But it is also the beginning......