306 Days

306 Days till departure

There have been a lot of days lately where it has been impossible to write, either because I was too tired, or uninspired, or I forgot, or it was too personal. The too personal is interesting because this is a journal and I should be able to say personal things, but I have vowed to make this public and I do not want to say anything that could be held against you or me in the future. 

The last couple of days I have been pondering this weird paradox that is occurring for me, which is that the more I see of the actual world falling apart, the more I am able to see my personal world getting better. Hold on, that is not right. My personal world is not actually getting better it is just that I am perceiving it as better in comparison to how messed up everything else is. There is too much violence, too much pain, too much struggle, and as all the negatives pile up, I feel the temptation to succumb to their weight and allow them to pull me under. But unlike the past, where I would have sunk to the bottom of a well of sadness, I have found a lifeline that keeps me not just bobbing above the surface, but floating safely in a boat, and that lifeline starts with you. 

Not just you, but you, and your sibling, and your friends, and all the kids we know. The new families that we have welcomed into town, and my fellow citizens who are caring for these families. My co-workers, and all the people who are working hard every day to make their little piece of the world better. Everywhere I look, I see people doing their best, supporting one another, and trying to make things better for themselves and those they love. I see acts of kindness everywhere, in plain sight, and the more I look for them the more I see them.

314 Days

314 Days till you depart

My wish for future you, that no matter where you live they have good fried rice.

315 Days

315 Days till departure.

I haven’t been able to write in a bit due to a variety of things, but somewhere in the past 5 days you submitted college applications. AHHHHHHHH! How did this happen. In truth I wouldn’t have probably even known, as I have been so busy, but as parents we get cute emails from the schools that you submitted to, thanking us for supporting you on your journey. Then we got an email directing us to apply for your FAFSA number, which was a lot less cute, but very appreciated as I probably wouldn’t have known to do that either, because I am still busy trying to pretend that this is all NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!!!

320 Days

320 Days till departure

I missed writing yesterday. It went by in a total blur because I was doing something that was unexpected but that I love, which was organizing to solve a problem. Our town is welcoming in new families who have arrived through what is currently labeled the migrant issue. In our town there is a positive energy among those of us who are working on this, as we all feel the call to serve in this time of need. Yesterday I got to meet parents and their children. Friends and colleagues all worked together to do some assessment of needs, procurement of supplies, and laundry. When I came home, you told me that you would really like to meet the new families, and I know that you sincerely mean it. 

Today was more of the same, and I had that feeling I get, which I only get, by helping others. It is the feeling that my life means something. I love being in service to others, almost as much as I love being you and your sibling’s mom. I have many wishes for you, (ha ha, that seems to be a common theme of this journal,) I wish that you will always be healthy, I wish that you always have as supportive a friend group as you have now, I wish that when you select a partner that you always bring out the best in one another, I wish that you should you want a family that you have one and that they are all healthy and happy. But today I am adding to that list, and that wish is that you always get to do work that fulfills you.

322 Days

322 Days till departure 

I cried at the rally for Israel today. I cried for the people in my town who are helpless to make the violence against their people in Israel stop. I cried for all the innocent children in the world who suffer at the hands of adults. I cried about the world that we are handing over to you. It is not fair, it is not right, and I so hoped to make things better for you. 

Then you came to me and asked me to look at a piece you are potentially submitting for potential college applications. It was about a time when you were brave enough to confront injustice. You confronted it not because it was something that personally harmed you, but because you absolutely could recognize right from wrong. 

I know I have said it before, but I cannot stop saying it. I am so blessed to be your parent.

323 Days

323 Days till departure

Tonight, for a fun family activity, we took turns reading childrens books to your sibling. You were listening and enjoying up until we made you take a turn to read, and then you acted all bothered. We all sat on the couch together, even the dog and cats were with us, and I just thought to myself, what I wouldn’t give to bottle this moment. 

I am so lucky, I am so blessed, I am so grateful.

327, 326, 325, 324 Days

327, 326, 325, 324 Days until you depart

It has been a few days. On Saturday we had a moment where we talked about the blog and I told you which moment from the day I would be writing about. It was how you came in with the epic hunger save and suggested we go to Cumby’s to get snacks. We all laughed at you and were like, “what could we get there, a pack of gum and a slushy?” We went and it was a true snack oasis with an incredible variety or salty, sweet, junky, and healthy options. We talked about how the story heavily praised Cumby’s and what would happen if next year you were not living near a Cumby’s, how would you bring any new friends to your favorite snack store. Then we listed other stores like 7-11 and Wawa and wondered if they were as good, and hypothesized that it would be fun to find out. 

 All that happened, while across the globe terrorists made headlines by committing atrocities against innocent people. Thinking about the difference between my time in school and the global crises I was aware of, versus the ones that you have had to face in your school years is sobering. Your generation is much more politically aware then mine was at that time, and though I am hopeful that your political acumen will result in a brighter future for your generation, I cannot help but feel bitter at all the innocence your generation has been robbed of. 

I wish you knew a time where whole neighborhoods of kids would play together until the streetlights turned on or you were called in to eat dinner. I wish you knew a time where there was a limit to how much media you were exposed to because every night the television stations would actually stop showing programing, the phone could only be used by one person at a time, and computers were not interesting to kids unless you wanted to learn how to write in BASIC. I wish you knew a time where you could just be in a moment or with yourself, with a book, or with a friend, and nothing would disturb your peace until you decided to go find someone else to interact with. 

I know every generation waxes nostalgic about their youth to those who are younger than them, but regardless if your generation, mine, or your grandparents had it the best, I do wish that all children would have a childhood where they could just be children. Where they could just do typical children things like talking about convenient store snacks, and not ever have to deal with all the ways people harm people.

328 Days

328 Days till departure 

10 random things I love about you: 

1. How you can’t do anything serious without laughing. 

2. How adventurous you are as an eater. 

3. How you wake up every morning with a smile on your face, even if you are still tired. 

4. How humble you are about the things you are good at. 

5. How you don’t take crap from anyone. 

6. How you can spell everything. (and for clarity, I mean all words not just the word everything.)

7. How much you enjoy new experiences.

8. How much you love your relatives.

9. How patient you are to constantly show me how to use social media.

10. How you baby talk the dog.  

329 Days

329 Days till departure 

I left work at the end of the day and I ran into a friend who also has a senior and they made a point to tell me how amazing you are. As a parent there is no better compliment than to hear that people think your kid is pretty great. I told them that their kids is great too, which is absolutely true, and we spoke about our kids futures and how we were both in agreement that we all get to where we need to be and that the most important things for our kids are that they are happy and that they are confident about who they are. 

I was thinking a lot today about some kids who I know about, who are not coming from families like ours and circumstances like ours and how much harder it is to get to where you need to be when there are so many things working against you. I know that you are aware that not everyone is growing up like you and that not everyone has the same access to opportunities that you do. The one thing I would like to tell you today is that you do not have to ever feel guilty for what you have, but you do have a responsibility to help others learn from what you know. Better people make a better world, and in my opinion, and in the opinion of that friend today, you are one of the best.

330 Days

330 Days till departure 

There are things that we inherit from our family because we share DNA; things like our ethnicity, our appearance, and our genetic predispositions. There are things we inherit from our family due to how we are raised; things like our values and morals, our religion, our taste in music. Sometimes families share habits, or speech patterns, or senses of humor. Families share food, they share clothes, they share relatives, they even share secrets. There are many things that families share and yet, even with all that sharing, there are still things that are unique to the individual. I love how much we have in common; I love that you will always be a part of me, but I love even more how much you are your own person, how unique you are, how confident you are to be who you are.

331 Days

331 Days till departure. 

I asked you what I should write about and you said puppies and kitties. I am not going to write about puppies and kitties but I will write about polar bears, specifically your polar bear, Barney. 

Barney was given to you by one of my friend’s parents for your birthday. From the moment you saw him, you loved him, and you loved him in a way that you had not loved any stuffed animal prior. Around the time that you got Barney people started using the term “lovie” to describe the item that a child carries around with them, like a blanked or a stuffed animal. Though that word never caught on in our house, I always thought it was the perfect word to describe Barney. 

I truly do not know what to say next about Barney other than, I am so glad the two of you have one another and I hope neither of you ever gets lost.

332 Days

332 Days till departure.

It was the annual town celebration today and you were the photographer for the event. Though I do not know what your future career will be, you have expressed interest in a possible future in photography, and it was really cool to see you trying out a potential future career. 

There is this thing called Baader-Meinhof which is the phenomena that once you notice a thing for the first time then you notice it all the time. Ever since I started writing it is like people are coming out of the woodwork to share with me their stories about when their kids transitioned out of the house. I can only think of one person who truthfully spoke to me about this before I started writing and now everyone talks to me about it. Universally, everyone mention that it was a tough adjustment. I hear stories of how people cry, feel lost, and are unsure of how to relate to their spouse. I hear stories of how people are struggling to adjust to the new norm of being a parent of an adult and how strange it feels to transition to being a friend rather than a parent. Every time someone shares these stories with me, I ask if their child is happy and this is also universal, they say yes. Everyone talks about how amazing it is to see their child grow into the person they were meant to be and to discover themselves. I feel like you have always known yourself, but if these stories are to be believed and we are going to transition to being best friends, I truly don't think I could ask for more.