363 Days

363 Days 

 The downside of writing this journal/blog/confessional is people seeking me out to share their similar feelings. There are moments in the day when I can pretend our inevitable separation will not happen and then someone stops to chat and share that they too are going through a separation, and just like I suspected, it feels awful. 

I am glad to know I am not alone, after all misery loves company, but I am sad to know this is real, as it makes pretending it’s not…impossible. 

Speaking of misery loving company, I am not the only one in our house with deep feelings about this. My sophomore is also going through a difficult time as she reconciles that it is inevitable that she too is going to grow up. As we were driving home today, she put on T. Swift’s “Never Grow Up” and sincerely asked the universe why she couldn’t just stay young forever. My heart broke in a thousand pieces, for her, for me, and for everyone who wrestles with the finality of the human experience. We both had tears rolling down our cheeks which made us also laugh and then I assured her that no matter what, she will always be my baby. Yes, it is true that she will always be my baby, and in the saying of that I recognized how wrong it would be of me to selfishly keep her to myself. She is a beacon of light that was put on this earth to shine. Both my children are, and tonight that truth is comfort enough.

364 days till departure

364 days I did not sleep last night. 

The anticipation of this milestone was so built up that I could not get my mind to shut off. I spent a lot of time thinking about the past and how bizarre time is. A memory that I kept turning over was when we were in our baby play group and you were a newborn and I was horrified when a toddler came over to our blanket to touch you. Our group was for parents of new babies but the baby didn’t have to your first-born. Many parents brought their newborn along with an older sibling. At the time, the toddlers stood out to me; they were like wild monkeys just roaming around touching everything, putting everything in their mouths, just being sticky and smelly. (For the record I had some undiagnosed post-partum depression at that time, toddlers of the world please forgive me.) I remember thinking how pure and serene newborn life and routine was compared to the world of parents with toddlers. Then at some point I blinked and the next thing I knew I was in the same group but with your newborn sister and you were the toddler monkey, touching other people’s babies. 

The time warp just keeps happening. I can remember when our friends with older kids were seniors (now they are college graduates) and decorating their cars to arrive to school on the first day declaring their senior status. I swear to you, it was just yesterday, but somehow time screwed with me again and it was actually today that it was your turn to go off to your senior year in your decorated car. 

When you came home today you seemed very content. I tried to pry every detail out of you, not because I care who wore what, or ate what, or sat next to who, but because every single moment that I am with you I am aware of that trickster time, and I do not want to blink again and find myself wondering what happened to this last year.

365 days till departure

365 days till I presume you leave me. It may actually be sooner, it may actually be later, but I do know that it is inevitable and I don’t like it. 

Tomorrow is the first day of your senior year, your last first day of high school as a student, (I will not rule out the possibility that you could be a teacher, let’s be honest you can be anything you want) and it is the start of the beginning of your life that will be separate from me. 

I am going to write you a letter each of these 365 days. I know that the time will come when we don’t live together, but if there is ever a time where you need to hear my voice and you can’t get me on the phone, where you need to be comforted and I am not there to hold you, you will have my words and my thoughts and I hope that it will provide support until we can be together. 

I am going to put these out in public so you can always find them and so others can remind you, to never forget your mother :)