0 Days pm

D-Day pm 

Well, it happened, the thing I have been anticipating all year as the worst moment of my life, has come and gone and I am still alive to talk about it. 

This morning, after I wrote the am journal entry, I sat in the lobby of the hotel and had a good cry. I was by myself and I felt like I needed to get it all out so that I could be prepared for the day. Crying over, I went back to the room and waited for you all to wake up. Coincidently the only chair in the room was next to your side of the bed, so I was sitting there when you did wake up. I swear I was not staring at you in your sleep, why would I do that-- (ha ha, funny, not funny) We all got ready to head over to move you in, when your roommate from yesterday called and asked if you cared if the room got moved around again. Being the empath that you are, you recognized immediately that your roommate’s needs far outweighed your own and you said whatever was decided you were fine with. We all got in the car to drive over, not exactly sure what to expect. 

Let me just say that your school has got moving-in down to a science. We pulled onto campus, followed the signage, and pulled right up to your dorm. Staff directed you to a table to get your ID and key and while you did that, our entire car was unloaded by RA’s, OL’s and athletes in less than 2 minutes. We were in your room with all your stuff and unpacking within 15 minutes of pulling onto campus. There were students from the sustainability group going around collecting all the trash and recycling and everything could not have gone smoother. 

After setting up your room, we went outside and immediately bumped into the voter registration table. We were both relieved to have this taken care of, because we were both wondering where you would have to go in town to take care of this. From there we went to the bookstore and got some swag, then to the dining hall to have lunch. After lunch we sat on the lawn in the famous red Adirondack chairs and all talked about nothing. We walked you back to your dorm so you could meet up with your floor for your first official campus activity, and then just like that, we said goodbye. 

The whole car ride home, I felt your absence, but I felt something else that I think I am going to hang on to and that feeling was curiosity. As soon as we left, I was already wondering who you were meeting, how was the roommate situation, was your new bed comfortable, how long will it take you to find your classes, etc, etc. I think even if we doubled the amount of time it took to get home, I would not have run out of things to be curious about, and let me tell you, being curious is a much better feeling than being heartsick. 

You texted while we were driving and I felt so relieved, because without me asking, you were answering my unasked questions about what you were doing and how you were. I think it was in that text that I was finally able to relax about this transition. I had no expectation that you would reach out to us that soon, and yet, there you were. And, it was not a sad text or a text about being scared or any concerning feelings, it was just an update. Even as I write this, you are on Facetime with your sibling. Tonight I have some peace of mind because I know that you are okay. 

For now, I am okay too.

0 Days-am

It's here!

I didn’t sleep well. 

All these memories and thoughts keep flooding my brain and I feel like there is no way my brain or my heart can hold them any longer; so I write. 

I keep thinking about your first year of life when I would sit with you in the rocking chair nursing you in an attempt to get back to sleep. I still can feel the weight of you in my arms, I can still vividly see the curve of your face when it was in profile nursing, I can still see your gorgeous saucer eyes, and perfect lips that would crack into a smile, reflecting back my own smile at you. For a long time, we were the center of each other’s world and we enjoyed a sublime peace. We were blessed. 

Our blessings continued when your sibling was born. We both thought the change to our dynamic would be a loss, but we both quickly found it was a gain. You gained a loyal and devoted best friend and I gained another pure being who taught me what a blessing it is to be alive. 

Truly, our lives have been perfect. Yes, there have been difficulties and sadness and there have been bad days and weeks, but always there has been us, and I have always felt that there was nothing in this world that our family could not do as long as we stayed together. 

My whole childhood, with every birthday, with each eyelash, and every shooting star, I always wished to belong to a happy family. To my core I held onto the belief that someday my wish would come true. I knew that if it wasn’t going to happen in my childhood, then I wanted to hurry up and grow-up so I could create it for myself. Believe me when I say that your dad, you, and your sibling are exactly what I wished for. So what happens now? 

During the time that you got really sick and you were in the hospital, I changed my wish. Though your sibling would say that I can’t tell what it is because it won’t come true, I believe that the more I think it, say it and believe it, the more it happens. My wish since that time has been for you and your sibling to have health and happiness. Wishing works, and I promise I will never stop wishing this for you. 

I have felt so lucky that my wishes have come true that I have never wanted to tempt fate by asking for more. Don’t get me wrong, I bargain all the time and do trade-offs; like, hey universe, I am willing to struggle with employment but in exchange I expect that in November’s election, which is the first time you will get to vote for president, we elect a woman. Bargains yes, but wishes, no. 

I don’t know what your future holds, other than you will be healthy and you will be happy; the rest of your future and what you wish for it are up to you. But I do know this; you are my child, you are a dream come true, you are a bright beacon of hope and light in this world, and just by being alive you have made this world a better place. Though physically we are not going to be sleeping under the same roof, or even the same zip code, our bond is unbreakable, and my love for you is unconditional and limitless.

1 Day

1 Day 

The drive down was non eventful—which was good. There was a point where you fell asleep, which is what you always do on long car rides, and I almost lost it, wondering if it was the last time I would ever see you do that again. Luckily, I pulled myself together. Your sibling was playing Taylor Swift and I wasn’t paying too much attention and then “Never Grow Up” came on, and I was like: not today, Satan! Another crisis averted. 

As we entered the town where your school is, your roommates, who had done the pre-orientation program called. They invited you to swing by the room to check it out. When we arrived, we realized that pictures lie and the room was much smaller than we thought. In order to fit everyone, one of the roommates basically had her bed up against the closet, rendering the closet unusable. The three of you had to negotiate how to set up the room so that everyone could have some space. There were a few touchy moments where everyone was trying to advocate for themselves while still trying to be fair to one another. It was interesting to see the dynamics at play and at one-point things were not progressing and I couldn’t help myself, I had to step in. Once that happened, things progressed, but your roommates both were comfortable admitting that the start of things had been stressful and it was hard to adjust to a new life without your family always there. Even though I too am sad and adjusting, this moment wasn’t about me, and I was able to put all my focus on the kids. I hugged them and told them as a representative of all the parents, we are so proud of them. I said that this is a hard time because we all love you so much, but none of us would be here if we didn’t think it was a great opportunity and that they would be well cared for. Once we left the dorm, I replayed my words and thought about how true they are. 

At dinner we went around the table talking about the day’s events and I said that even though it was a bit stressful meeting the roommates and immediately having to negotiate a potential conflict, I found that my anxiety about tomorrow had come way down. A lot of my thinking about what would happen when you went to college was about you getting there and magically becoming 100% independent and no longer needing me. Seeing everyone be vulnerable helped me to trust that the things I know about you, and about kids are still true; every kid needs to know that they have someone in their corner. And no matter if that corner is in the same house, or town, or state, I am always here.

2 Days

2 Days till departure 

The car is packed and believe it or not,  we have room to spare. This is a testament to who you are, a person who choses quality over quantity, and operates from the perspective of less is more. I am so curious to see if that point of view will change at college. Obviously, there are going to be some shifts, after all, that is a natural part of growing up. But where will these shifts occur? What new ideas are you about to be exposed to, and what new ways of thinking and being are you going to explore? 

I got a gift tonight from a dear friend, it was a bookmark with the perfect message. “There are two gifts we should give our children: One is roots and the other is wings.” 

Tomorrow, we drive and Wednesday, you begin to soar.

3 Days

3 Days till departure 

Today you spent the day packing while different family and friends came by to say goodbye. You talked with people about your classes and everyone, including you, seemed really interested in your courses. We had a fun moment when you checked your email and saw that a professor had assigned a 37 page reading for a meeting that you will be having during orientation, and you were like, “I have to read all of this for day one?!!” 

At your college the students, including your two roommates, who are doing the pre-orientation program moved in today. Your roommates reached out to you to show you pictures of what will be your room as they moved in, and they checked in with you to make sure the decisions being made were comfortable for you. I went onto the parent page for your college and there was not one single negative sentiment expressed. People were writing with their appreciation for how well the day was organized and how smooth the transition was into the dorms. One parent wrote that they really appreciated the welcome address from all the administrators and it was obvious how much respect and care the school has for their students. I told you that in a world where it is so easy to go on social media to complain it made me feel good that your school seems to always be praised. 

As much as I am not ready to let you go, I have to admit that I have a really good feeling that you are going to a place that will do right by you.

4 Days

4 Days till Departure 

Every summer the family gets together for movie night, and we all agree it is one of the highlights of the summer. Tonight the relatives were gathered and we all talked about how much growth you are going to have this year, how good it is that you will have some independence, how proud we all are of you. Because this was the 20th anniversary movie night, we had the red carpet, swag bags, and even an usher to carry our things into the party. Spirits were high, the pool was warm, and as always, the food was delicious and plentiful. This year for the 20th anniversary, instead of our usual Casper cartoon to start things off, we had a slideshow of all the pictures from the past 20 years. It was so great to remember all the different movies and see how we all had grown and changed over the years. Rather than feeling nostalgic at watching the pictures of you growing over the years, I was just so happy to belong to a family that celebrates togetherness…then the movie started. 

Take it from me, “If” is not the movie you want to watch right before your kid goes to college. And just to save you the trouble, don’t read “Love You Forever,” either!

5 days

5 Days till Departure 

 

A lot of people have been checking in with me knowing that we are about to have this momentous event in our lives. Every time I am asked, I think I am honest about how I am feeling. If it is a moment that I am struggling, I admit it, and if it is a moment when I am feeling excited about the future, I share. 

I had two people say to me today that they appreciated that I spoke about this journey, as not a lot of people talk about how much they feel like this is a tremendous loss which should be grieved. I know what they mean and I am glad for the compliment, but when I heard that today I wondered if I am really being totally truthful. 

I read an article recently about how mothers and their children are tightly bonded because cells from one another’s body are transferred in utero and stored in one another’s brains. There are so many times when I can rationalize what is about to happen, and I truly know that everything is okay, but my body still behaves as though it is in trauma mode. The idea that you are not just a part of me because we are a family but in fact it is because an actual physical piece of you is still residing in me, makes a lot of sense. Thinking that this upset is a biological response and that I am programed to feel this way, makes it so much easier to understand why this is so overwhelming. Now if someone can just send me the article that explains how grieving the passage of time, especially when it comes to your children is good for your health, then I think I will be able to go back to things feeling okay.

6 days

6 Days till Departure 

From the moment you were born I have prayed that you would be healthy and happy, but always in the back of my mind was the extra prayer that someday the world would be as fair for you as it would be had you been born a boy. With the speech at tonight’s DNC, I am seeing my prayers answered.

7 days

7 Days till departure 

For whatever reason, Dad had the television on and they were playing Disney’s The Fox and The Hound. It just was at the part where Todd and Copper have grown up and are seeing each other for the first time. Copper is now a hunting dog and his owner tries to shoot Todd. In order for Todd to have a safe life his owner drops him off at a nature preserve. He is a fox after all and he is supposed to live outside in nature, but because he has been inside his whole life he is not used to things and he really doesn’t have the skill set to take care of himself at first. His first night on his own it rains and he doesn’t have shelter. Luckily a porcupine takes him in, but not before he gets soaked and we have to see him cold and wet and suffering. 

You walked by, and I asked you if you knew enough to get out of the rain, because I won’t be there to get you or tell you, and you reminded me that has already happened to you. You then recalled a time in middle school when you were at a game at the fields and it started to rain and everyone left, even the coaches, and they forgot to check if all the kids got picked up. 

 I have been sad all day and torturing myself with images of you crying in the rain, but as I started to write I remembered two things. One, until you reminded me about the middle school thing, I had forgotten about it so I can admit that even though you were alone in the rain, it clearly didn’t upset me enough to dwell on it, and two, in The Fox and The Hound, Todd is only sad for the first night, as first thing in the morning he meets Vixey and they live happily ever after. (wink, wink)

8 Days

8 Days till departure 

We were sitting next to one another eating and I did what I always do which is grab your napkin to use it for myself. Without batting an eye you said “I am not going to miss that.” Then we joked and I said you have to let me keep doing it until you leave because I will miss it, and you told me that it was a good idea for me to start learning now how to use a napkin by myself so that it wasn’t so shocking when all of a sudden you were gone. 

For the record, I have always known how to use a napkin; I just always love the look you give me when I take yours. I am pretty sure you were serious when you said you weren’t going to miss it, but I promise you I will.

9 Days

9 Days till departure 

 I haven’t written for a while. There are a lot of reasons. The main one being that I have been so busy watching you and observing every single moment in your life to lock them into my memory. I have been watching you while you worked and I see what an amazing teacher you are—you are just a natural with kids and I have a lot of peace knowing that if you decide to be a parent you will do great. I have been watching you as a friend and seeing all the lengths you will go to show those you love how you care about them, and I know that will always be who you are. I have been watching you as a romantic partner, and it is honestly the sweetest thing in the world, and I am so lucky that I got a front row seat to this special time in your life, you are not super demonstrative, you haven’t lost your head over this, but your smile, your joy, and your chill in knowing that you have someone else who has your back is a delight to watch, and as a parent, knowing that you chose a partner who is as good and honest and kind as you are makes my heart full. 

I also haven’t written because I have been going through my own journey and I haven’t wanted to confuse all the feelings. As you know, I lost my job and with it, it would seem a large part of my identity. I have been trying to find myself outside of being a worker and it has been hard. For the past 18 years the label I have been most proud of is being your mother. I will always be your mother, but as we both know, my time as being the center of your universe is over. 18 years, is not enough time, and the fact that your departure coincides with this other life altering event makes the feelings messy. I try to comfort myself that the reason these events are coinciding is so I can show you how no matter what life throws at us, we will always be strong and we will always have each other. Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt in your ability to deal with adversity, you have an incredible mind and heart and a vast network of people who love you, but I suppose I want you to know that you also come from a long line of survivors. 

Finally, I think I haven’t written because I thought if I stopped, then maybe time would stop too. Of course, that didn’t happen and now, here we are. We have started to say goodbye to some of your friends who have left already and, I don’t know what else to say, it sucks.

90 Days

90 Days till Departure 

And just like that, it happened. It was a lovely day, perfect weather, nice ceremony, you had all your friends and relatives at a wonderful party, I don’t think we could have asked for more.

92 days

92 Days till Departure 

Today was your graduation rehearsal and the walk-through of all the elementary schools. Right away I got a picture from your dad who was at one of the schools. It was of you and your two best friends. Though it was of you as seniors I couldn’t help but see the little kids you once were. I cried all the way to my two best friends, and together we walked over to your elementary school to see you all walk through the school. 

Some of my favorite moments in parenting are when I get to watch you or your sibling you have no idea that you are being observed. This happened at the elementary school where you were surrounded by elementary kids who you work with during the school year. They were so excited to see you and you made sure to give each kid time and attention. There was one kid who arrived in the room where you were leaving and he burst into tears thinking that he missed an opportunity to interact with you. One of the teachers made a point to come up to me to make sure I knew that this happened, followed by comments about how exceptional you are. Obviously, this teacher was not telling me anything I didn’t know, but I am going to tell you there is nothing better than hearing from others that they see you the way I do.

93 Days

93 Days Till Departure. 

Last night was Prom. You were absolutely stunning in your black dress and your make-up and hair were perfect, but what made it so beautiful was how happy you were. You have recently started dating someone who you seem to really like and who treats you like the queen that you are, and it is just the best feeling in the world as a mom to see you so happy, and full of all the best things about your age. Honestly, your joy is so infectious that it is nearly impossible for me to be sad about all of this. 

Tonight was class night and you were invited to participate as you were the recipient of four awards. It was a special night because the majority of the awards went to kids from your elementary school. It was amazing to know each kid and to see them all grown up and ready to conquer the world. I have always felt there was something special about your elementary group and I truly am as excited for all of them as I am for you. I was crying for many of them tonight and I was joking with our squad that I was going to try to let out all my tears now so that I could be fine at graduation. Actually, I have to tell you I was crying last night at prom pictures and I jokingly said to one of the moms, I think there is something wrong with me because I am crying all the time. Without missing a beat, she said, “no Meg that’s just you.,” which immediately cracked me up. 

I don't know if I will be crying or laughing at graduation on Sunday but I do know that you are the best of all the good daddy and I have to give, and we are so proud to share you with the world.

99 Days

99 Days till departure.

Tonight, is the eve of your last day of high school. For almost this whole year I have felt alone in my sadness about your probable departure, but in the last few weeks as we get closer to graduation, I have had conversations with parents who express the same feelings of sadness.  I will say it again, 18 years is not enough time.  Everything about you is constantly evolving and I hate that I am going to miss bearing witness to each subtle shift.  I want to be there for all of it, and it just feels so unfair that in a few short months you are not going to be coming home to me each night to debrief about your day.  

 

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”  A.A. Milne

124 days

124 Days until Departure 

The decision has been made. For the last 40+ days there has been a lot going on, but all of that is put aside and you have taken that giant step towards the next stage of your life. You are going to college! Dad and I are so proud of you and the person that you are and we could not ask for more from you. You are going to continue to thrive and shine in everything you do and we are all so excited to see what happens next. 

There have been so many thoughts that have gone through my head over the last month and a half, but I have not wanted to take even a moment to slow down to capture those thoughts; everything has been happening at a break neck speed, and I didn't want to miss a moment of it: acceptance letters, college visits, stressing over who to go to prom with, senior assassin, and all of the other end of year planning that happens during senior year. 

Today when dad, your sibling, you and I were gathered, and we talked again about whether or not you were ready to not only go to college, but also to make the decision to commit to a specific school, there was a moment when we all were crying. It was emotional for all of us and each of us for different reasons. If I had to guess, I would guess that there was one emotion we all had in common, fear of change. 

Everything about this is so confusing, how can you be this old, when it feels like just yesterday, we brought you home from the hospital? How can I be so sad that you are going to leave, and yet so excited to see you spread your wings and fly? It is a such a paradox and I wonder when it will all begin to make sense. Maybe it won’t, but no matter what, the one thing I am never confused about or unclear about is how much I love you.

Congratulations you Red Devil!

173 Days

173 Days till departure 

Today was one for the books. Today was the Semi-Final round of Festival. You have been working so hard as an actor on this show and there have been so many times that you have doubted yourself in the process. It has been interesting to watch you struggle to believe that you are enough in this role, as it is exactly how I always feel about most things I do in my life. More on you as an actor in a bit. You also have been the main coordinator for the day, which we were hosting. As the coordinator you have had to keep all the balls in the air, and organize not only our volunteers, but be the point person and face for everyone else involved in the day. You were responsible for over 300 people’s experience and it was an incredible amount of responsibility to place on your shoulders. 

The day started with you waking up and checking your email and finding out that you were accepted into UVM. So far you have heard from two schools and you are accepted at both of them. No matter what, you now have a choice about your future, and this week hopefully you will have even more schools to choose from. It is so surreal to see the world opening up for you and to imagine your future. Each day I say to myself, I cannot wait to see what happens next. 

Back to Festival, the day started a bit rocky with two strange lighting moments. You and I both were bothered by it, but I saw you really struggle with worry about whether you were somehow responsible for what happened. Of course, you weren’t, but I know that you must have been sitting with a lot of feelings throughout the day. Then it came to our turn to perform our show. Your first scene had a missed line and I watched you struggle to figure out how to not let it bother you. That scene was a bit rough for you, but you have created such a believable character that it actually seemed intentional. The rest of the play you were so careful about listening to your scene partners and hands down you and your cast mates delivered some of the most sophisticated student acting I have ever seen. 

At the end of the day the judges called your name first to win an All-Star Acting Award. I saw you receive the news with true surprise and genuine humility. Your sibling was there cheering you on and so was dad, it was so special to have the whole family share that moment. As if that wasn’t enough, several people stopped me to tell me how brilliant you were, and then the judge stopped dad and I to say that you were an exceptional performer and that you really have a true gift. 

As a parent I want so many things for you but high on the list is that others see in you what I see in you. To have so many people validate your work and to recognize all the wonderful traits and qualities you have is all that I could ask for. My darling girl, I say all the time that you are a bright shining star; I know it, your family knows it, and it is so affirming to see that when you share that light with others, they know it too.

177 Days

177 Days till departure 

Today you voted for the first time. I love that our town cheers for all first-time voters an gives out a little American Flag; it is so lovely. It is Women’s History Month and I hope you always have in the back of your mind the fact that women had to fight for the right to vote, and it should never be taken for granted. 

This day is super weird, because unbeknownst to me, I was on the ballot. Turns out I signed a paper a little while ago, for what I thought was supporting the Democratic Town Committee, when in fact it turns out, I signed up to run for Democratic Town Committee. So not only did you get to vote, but on your first vote you got to elect your own mother. In addition to that, you have been witness to the very public debate over the school budget and my job. I do not know how things will sort out but right now it looks like I am out of a job, and you and I both know it is not for any reason other than the fact that I am a threat to the man in charge. 

 I spend a lot of time thinking about how my actions and behavior are interpreted by you and your sibling. Already I see that you have my work ethic and you share my frustration when others are not as capable as you are. I see your leadership skills and I see you lead by example. I also see you striving for perfection and really punishing yourself when you don’t achieve it. Please hear me when I say this, perfect is the enemy of the good. 

You my darling girl are a miracle. We have talked about your birth and I honestly believe had you been born in a different country or a decade earlier, one of us would not have made it through the delivery. You are here and you are healthy and smart and talented and beautiful. You are kind and curious, you are pure light made of stardust and there is nothing in this world that can change that. 

On this day, when you cast your first ballot and you are hurtling towards adulthood and a future beyond your mom and dad’s house, know how proud we all are of you and how loved you are today and every day.

216 Days

216 Days until departure

Moments like these are what I am going to miss most, and also, how am I supposed to send you into the world if you still don’t know this?  

You: Mom, you know the song, “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause” 

Me: Yes? 

You: I just realized what that means! 

Me: That she is kissing… 

You: Her husband!!!!