9 Days

9 Days till departure 

 I haven’t written for a while. There are a lot of reasons. The main one being that I have been so busy watching you and observing every single moment in your life to lock them into my memory. I have been watching you while you worked and I see what an amazing teacher you are—you are just a natural with kids and I have a lot of peace knowing that if you decide to be a parent you will do great. I have been watching you as a friend and seeing all the lengths you will go to show those you love how you care about them, and I know that will always be who you are. I have been watching you as a romantic partner, and it is honestly the sweetest thing in the world, and I am so lucky that I got a front row seat to this special time in your life, you are not super demonstrative, you haven’t lost your head over this, but your smile, your joy, and your chill in knowing that you have someone else who has your back is a delight to watch, and as a parent, knowing that you chose a partner who is as good and honest and kind as you are makes my heart full. 

I also haven’t written because I have been going through my own journey and I haven’t wanted to confuse all the feelings. As you know, I lost my job and with it, it would seem a large part of my identity. I have been trying to find myself outside of being a worker and it has been hard. For the past 18 years the label I have been most proud of is being your mother. I will always be your mother, but as we both know, my time as being the center of your universe is over. 18 years, is not enough time, and the fact that your departure coincides with this other life altering event makes the feelings messy. I try to comfort myself that the reason these events are coinciding is so I can show you how no matter what life throws at us, we will always be strong and we will always have each other. Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt in your ability to deal with adversity, you have an incredible mind and heart and a vast network of people who love you, but I suppose I want you to know that you also come from a long line of survivors. 

Finally, I think I haven’t written because I thought if I stopped, then maybe time would stop too. Of course, that didn’t happen and now, here we are. We have started to say goodbye to some of your friends who have left already and, I don’t know what else to say, it sucks.