355 Days

355 Days till Departure 

You were fortunate to meet your two best friends in first grade. As the three of you got ready tonight for your last homecoming dance as high school students, I made a wish about your future. I won't share exactly what I wished for, after all I do want it to come true, but I will share this Irish proverb, (maybe it will appeal to the Irish in you); a best friend is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have. How lucky must you be to have found two already?

356 Days

356 Days till Departure

Today one of your closest friends turns 18. Her mom wrote some beautiful words to express her feelings on this occasion. She spoke about drawing a line in the sand and crossing over it, and the image of the sand has been playing out all night in my head. 

Shifting sand, line in the sand, sands in an hour glass, write it in sand; there are many sand metaphors that speak about the passage of time and its impermanence. While the speed at which time is passing is alarming and is what started this journal, tonight, I cannot help but feel comfort in the image of sand. 

No natural thing comforts me more than the ocean. I adore everything about the sea and I love all the ways that it has been a fixture in my life. From my grandmother’s house on the ocean, all the nautical décor in my home growing up from my Navy family, or my brother’s pirate band, the ocean surrounds me even when I am solidly on land. For me sand is just as much a part of the ocean as the water. 

This past year I wrote a play which took place on an island. There were themes of loss, of growing up, and of the ocean. 

“It is time to tell you knew the truth about your mother. The land, it is what gives you your roots, it will always tether you to something. The land people are solid and sturdy. Now some people don’t like to be tethered, they want to be free to float and drift. Those are the sea people. They are able to move with the tides and they are comfortable knowing that sometimes they will drift a long time before they find what they are looking for because they understand that the world is a circle, and no matter how far you go, eventually, you will always come back, right where you started. “ 

My play was a love letter to a lot of people, places and things, but I didn’t realize then how much it was also going to advise me. “No matter how far you go, eventually, you will always come back, right where you started.” 

To today’s 18 year old, and to my soon to be 18 year old, I can’t wait to see where the tide will take you.

357 Days

357 days till departure 

Right now, your B is soaring through the floorboards as you practice an audition song in front of your sister. Earlier the two of you went over your homework with one another and tried to unpack math. I am upstairs with your dad and I can tell you that right now, this moment, is hands down, the best moment of my day. 

My two children helping each other, supporting each other, encouraging each other, my best friend sitting by my side, bearing witness to these beautiful moments; who could ask for anything more? 

357 day Part Two: 

My habit is to write the blog and then let it sit for a bit before posting.  After I wrote, I went down stairs filled with all the warm feels only to stumble into a classic parent phenomenon, "the melt down that came out of nowhere." 

The whole time that I was talking with you and listening to you, you kept checking in with me and saying, “I am so sorry I am stressing you out.” My darling child, hear me, you are not stressing me out. Parenting you is never stressful, watching you wrestle with your emotions and feelings is not stressful, holding you while you cry is not stressful. My life is full and rich because of you and your sibling and moments like these, where you are hurting and I am able to provide comfort, while difficult, are so special to me. 

I love being your mom, and I love you.

358 Days

358 Days till departure 

Today was interesting as many mothers who I am not friends with on social media, and therefore have no idea about my ongoing journal, expressed to me their feelings of sadness over their children aging. One person was talking about their child who was starting Kindergarten, another about their child who was a freshman in college, another about their child turning 11 and hitting puberty. It seems that I am not the only one who is struggling with my children aging. 

Most people who read this probably do not know this fact about me but I am obsessed with the cartoon Bluey. It is 100% pure brilliance and if you have not seen it, you need to stop right now and go watch a few episodes. Today I watched an episode called “Mum School,” where Bluey did not want to take a bath and instead of bathing, pretended to be a mother to a group of balloons. Bluey’s mother, Chili, was assigned the task of running “mom school” and grading Bluey on how well she did at pretending to be a mom. At the end of the episode, when Bluey could not get one of the balloons to cooperate, she said to her mother, I probably did not pass, and Bluey’s mother brilliantly responded, “that’s okay, we all fail mum school sometimes.” This is what I love about Bluey, I am simultaneously undone and comforted by the sentiment and I feel totally seen. 

To my fellow parents: though we will fail, what really matters is that we do love.

359 Days

Today is my birthday. When I was a kid, I remember how much I enjoyed my birthdays. It was a whole day about me; each year filled with hope and promise of all the amazing things to come. I also remember how excited I was to get older each year. On my 10th birthday I thought I couldn’t be happier; I had finally reached the magical double digits. That thrilling feeling of growing up lasted all the way through my 21st birthday. Back then, every year was the best birthday, and every birthday wish was about growing up and living my best life. 

In my 20’s I had some very nice birthdays, but they definitely started to lose their luster. They seemed hollow, and as I started to interact with a broader group of people than those who were just my same age, I started to notice there were many people who did not like their birthdays at all. These people subscribed to the, “it’s just another day” philosophy, and would often complain about how difficult aging was. I recall debating with one of these people that life is really precious and we should take every moment to celebrate the miracle that we have been given by our birth. But my optimism was met with sarcasm, and a smug, “you’ll see.” 

In my 30’s, birthdays became a miracle again, for that is when I became a mom. My birthday was nothing compared to the birthdays of my children. All my birthday joys came in the form of planning an amazing day for my kids to ensure sure they knew how miraculous they are. 

When my 40’s started I tried to get back to loving my own birthday again. I was so confident that my 40’s were going to be the best years of my life so far, and in many ways they were. But as I have been approaching the end of my 40’s all the voices of the people who told me birthdays aren’t special as you get older has been ringing true. Somehow, I unintentionally got to the point where I was actually saying to people, “it’s just another day,” and had nothing happened this year for my birthday I believe I would have been okay with that. 

But my children were raised in my house where I have told them that they are miracles and that birthdays are important to celebrate the miracle that is you. They were not going to let me get aways with it being “just another day.” This whole weekend was filled with love and laughter and all the things that make me happy. I truly could not have asked for anything more. 

Today marks the start of my last year in my 40’s. All my birthday wishes from the past came true, I did get older and I have a great life. So because my wishes seem to come true I want to use my power to share this year’s wish with you all; may we all continue to grow in health, happiness, and wisdom surrounded by the people that we love.

360 days

360 Days till departure.

Today was a pretty typical day, you and your sister playing and sharing secrets. The two of you both told me you were going to read in the hammocks, and every time I looked out the window there you were talking to each other. I have no idea if any reading took place, but I know that cementing your bond was definitely accomplished.

361 Days

361 till departure 

Today my daughter and I gave blood. I am borderline anemic and I get deferred more times than I am able to donate, but every time I am accepted for donation, I cannot help but feel personally connected to humanity in a spiritual way. 

I will tell anyone who wants to listen about my positive feelings regarding donating, and last year when my oldest was age eligible to donate herself, she did. To say I was proud is an understatement; I mean there is such an immense swelling of all the good feels when you realize that your kids not only listen when you speak of your values, but also choose to put them into practice. It truly is a sublime feeling. 

Given my history of deferment, we assumed iron levels may also be an issue for my oldest and sure enough the second time she tried to donate she was deferred. She took it in stride but I know that it bothered her, because in the weeks leading up to today’s donation, she tried to do everything she could to ensure there would be success. Thankfully, there was success, but it came from an unexpected source; yes, we were both able to donate, sure, it was something we did together, and yes, she directly saw her efforts to improve her chances rewarded. But the really success came from what we learned while at the drive, for you see, today’s blood drive was being held in honor of child that we know who has leukemia. 

This child is the same age and grade as mine, and every day since I have learned about this child, I have been thinking of them and sending them all my thoughts and prayers. Giving blood felt like a way to control the total randomness of life where some kids get sick while others never do. It felt good to combat that helpless feeling by doing something concrete and something so physically impactful. 

While at the drive, looking at my own child who is healthy enough to donate her blood to others, I saw the father of the child who we were all there to support. My heart was heavy, but then I overheard him sharing a story of how his child’s prognosis is really good and many of the positive outcomes they were hoping for so far have come true. 

There are always those moments when I think about that phrase, “There before the grace of god go I.” Today, as I was spending time being grateful for this other child’s improving health, I also said a prayer thanking the universe that my main heartache is nothing more than the fact that my own child is growing up.