294 Days

294 Days till departure

I post each of these entries on social media and I think am careful about not revealing or sharing too many details about you or your sibling. I want to protect your anonymity in case you never want to be associated with this document, and given that many people that you see in your daily life read this, I try to be careful about sharing the more personal details. 

This week we have been leading up to your 18th birthday. Each day I have been going over the timeline 18 years ago and thinking about where I was and what I was doing.  For example, your initial due date came and went already. 18 years ago after your due date passed, I did everything in my power to try and induce labor on my own. Bumpy car rides, excessive walking, drinking castor oil, eating pineapples, intercourse (sorry but it is true), but nothing seemed to work. On this day 18 years ago, I went to the hospital for a check-up because at that point my Braxton Hicks contractions were intense and they told me that nature would take its course any minute, They assured me if it didn’t they would not let me go past the 10th and we made an appointment at that time for a planned induction. Obviously given your birthday you know how that went. 

If you had asked me 18 years ago, what I would think about today, I would have said back then that we would never get to today because you were never going to be born. I also might have said I will be lucky if this kid gets to 18 because it (I actually called you it, because I didn’t know your gender) has been trying to kill me this whole pregnancy and I am not sure either of us is going to make it. In my wildest dreams when I pictured 18 years into the future, I never would have predicted the thing that happened today. But because truth is stranger than fiction and today happened.  

301 Days

301 Days till departure.

Yesterday, you and your friends were Sneetches. I love that you still dress up. I spent today thinking about all your past Halloween costumes. It was so fun, until I decided it would be a good idea to write down all the costumes for this journal. It was all fun and games until I realize that I am missing a year: Duck, Cinderella, Goldilocks, Red Riding Hood, Peacock, ? Cheetah, Waitress, Pocahontas, Werewolf, Rae, Hermione Granger, Black Cat, Grandma, Alvin, Halloween Girl, Juice, Sneetch. 

How can I be missing a year? I have a picture of every single one of these costumes, but I have no idea what happened to that year. Were you sick? Did we all stay in? Did we do something else instead? It is not like I forgot what happened on a random Tuesday in a random month in a random year, I literally have no memory of a once-a-year event that we celebrate every year, which also is a highly photographed event. 

What was supposed to be a whole day of fond reminiscing turned into a nagging fear that I am now so old that I am losing my memory. I thought maybe I could take solace in the fact that there were no pictures until my brain started to tell me that I do have pictures but I have just forgotten where I put them. 

This forgetting makes me really glad that I am doing this journal so there is a record of this time in both our lives. That is of course until I forget to write, or forget what I wanted to write about, wait a minute, who am I talking too?

306 Days

306 Days till departure

There have been a lot of days lately where it has been impossible to write, either because I was too tired, or uninspired, or I forgot, or it was too personal. The too personal is interesting because this is a journal and I should be able to say personal things, but I have vowed to make this public and I do not want to say anything that could be held against you or me in the future. 

The last couple of days I have been pondering this weird paradox that is occurring for me, which is that the more I see of the actual world falling apart, the more I am able to see my personal world getting better. Hold on, that is not right. My personal world is not actually getting better it is just that I am perceiving it as better in comparison to how messed up everything else is. There is too much violence, too much pain, too much struggle, and as all the negatives pile up, I feel the temptation to succumb to their weight and allow them to pull me under. But unlike the past, where I would have sunk to the bottom of a well of sadness, I have found a lifeline that keeps me not just bobbing above the surface, but floating safely in a boat, and that lifeline starts with you. 

Not just you, but you, and your sibling, and your friends, and all the kids we know. The new families that we have welcomed into town, and my fellow citizens who are caring for these families. My co-workers, and all the people who are working hard every day to make their little piece of the world better. Everywhere I look, I see people doing their best, supporting one another, and trying to make things better for themselves and those they love. I see acts of kindness everywhere, in plain sight, and the more I look for them the more I see them.

314 Days

314 Days till you depart

My wish for future you, that no matter where you live they have good fried rice.

315 Days

315 Days till departure.

I haven’t been able to write in a bit due to a variety of things, but somewhere in the past 5 days you submitted college applications. AHHHHHHHH! How did this happen. In truth I wouldn’t have probably even known, as I have been so busy, but as parents we get cute emails from the schools that you submitted to, thanking us for supporting you on your journey. Then we got an email directing us to apply for your FAFSA number, which was a lot less cute, but very appreciated as I probably wouldn’t have known to do that either, because I am still busy trying to pretend that this is all NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!!!

320 Days

320 Days till departure

I missed writing yesterday. It went by in a total blur because I was doing something that was unexpected but that I love, which was organizing to solve a problem. Our town is welcoming in new families who have arrived through what is currently labeled the migrant issue. In our town there is a positive energy among those of us who are working on this, as we all feel the call to serve in this time of need. Yesterday I got to meet parents and their children. Friends and colleagues all worked together to do some assessment of needs, procurement of supplies, and laundry. When I came home, you told me that you would really like to meet the new families, and I know that you sincerely mean it. 

Today was more of the same, and I had that feeling I get, which I only get, by helping others. It is the feeling that my life means something. I love being in service to others, almost as much as I love being you and your sibling’s mom. I have many wishes for you, (ha ha, that seems to be a common theme of this journal,) I wish that you will always be healthy, I wish that you always have as supportive a friend group as you have now, I wish that when you select a partner that you always bring out the best in one another, I wish that you should you want a family that you have one and that they are all healthy and happy. But today I am adding to that list, and that wish is that you always get to do work that fulfills you.

322 Days

322 Days till departure 

I cried at the rally for Israel today. I cried for the people in my town who are helpless to make the violence against their people in Israel stop. I cried for all the innocent children in the world who suffer at the hands of adults. I cried about the world that we are handing over to you. It is not fair, it is not right, and I so hoped to make things better for you. 

Then you came to me and asked me to look at a piece you are potentially submitting for potential college applications. It was about a time when you were brave enough to confront injustice. You confronted it not because it was something that personally harmed you, but because you absolutely could recognize right from wrong. 

I know I have said it before, but I cannot stop saying it. I am so blessed to be your parent.