8 Days

8 Days till departure 

We were sitting next to one another eating and I did what I always do which is grab your napkin to use it for myself. Without batting an eye you said “I am not going to miss that.” Then we joked and I said you have to let me keep doing it until you leave because I will miss it, and you told me that it was a good idea for me to start learning now how to use a napkin by myself so that it wasn’t so shocking when all of a sudden you were gone. 

For the record, I have always known how to use a napkin; I just always love the look you give me when I take yours. I am pretty sure you were serious when you said you weren’t going to miss it, but I promise you I will.

9 Days

9 Days till departure 

 I haven’t written for a while. There are a lot of reasons. The main one being that I have been so busy watching you and observing every single moment in your life to lock them into my memory. I have been watching you while you worked and I see what an amazing teacher you are—you are just a natural with kids and I have a lot of peace knowing that if you decide to be a parent you will do great. I have been watching you as a friend and seeing all the lengths you will go to show those you love how you care about them, and I know that will always be who you are. I have been watching you as a romantic partner, and it is honestly the sweetest thing in the world, and I am so lucky that I got a front row seat to this special time in your life, you are not super demonstrative, you haven’t lost your head over this, but your smile, your joy, and your chill in knowing that you have someone else who has your back is a delight to watch, and as a parent, knowing that you chose a partner who is as good and honest and kind as you are makes my heart full. 

I also haven’t written because I have been going through my own journey and I haven’t wanted to confuse all the feelings. As you know, I lost my job and with it, it would seem a large part of my identity. I have been trying to find myself outside of being a worker and it has been hard. For the past 18 years the label I have been most proud of is being your mother. I will always be your mother, but as we both know, my time as being the center of your universe is over. 18 years, is not enough time, and the fact that your departure coincides with this other life altering event makes the feelings messy. I try to comfort myself that the reason these events are coinciding is so I can show you how no matter what life throws at us, we will always be strong and we will always have each other. Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt in your ability to deal with adversity, you have an incredible mind and heart and a vast network of people who love you, but I suppose I want you to know that you also come from a long line of survivors. 

Finally, I think I haven’t written because I thought if I stopped, then maybe time would stop too. Of course, that didn’t happen and now, here we are. We have started to say goodbye to some of your friends who have left already and, I don’t know what else to say, it sucks.

90 Days

90 Days till Departure 

And just like that, it happened. It was a lovely day, perfect weather, nice ceremony, you had all your friends and relatives at a wonderful party, I don’t think we could have asked for more.

92 days

92 Days till Departure 

Today was your graduation rehearsal and the walk-through of all the elementary schools. Right away I got a picture from your dad who was at one of the schools. It was of you and your two best friends. Though it was of you as seniors I couldn’t help but see the little kids you once were. I cried all the way to my two best friends, and together we walked over to your elementary school to see you all walk through the school. 

Some of my favorite moments in parenting are when I get to watch you or your sibling you have no idea that you are being observed. This happened at the elementary school where you were surrounded by elementary kids who you work with during the school year. They were so excited to see you and you made sure to give each kid time and attention. There was one kid who arrived in the room where you were leaving and he burst into tears thinking that he missed an opportunity to interact with you. One of the teachers made a point to come up to me to make sure I knew that this happened, followed by comments about how exceptional you are. Obviously, this teacher was not telling me anything I didn’t know, but I am going to tell you there is nothing better than hearing from others that they see you the way I do.

93 Days

93 Days Till Departure. 

Last night was Prom. You were absolutely stunning in your black dress and your make-up and hair were perfect, but what made it so beautiful was how happy you were. You have recently started dating someone who you seem to really like and who treats you like the queen that you are, and it is just the best feeling in the world as a mom to see you so happy, and full of all the best things about your age. Honestly, your joy is so infectious that it is nearly impossible for me to be sad about all of this. 

Tonight was class night and you were invited to participate as you were the recipient of four awards. It was a special night because the majority of the awards went to kids from your elementary school. It was amazing to know each kid and to see them all grown up and ready to conquer the world. I have always felt there was something special about your elementary group and I truly am as excited for all of them as I am for you. I was crying for many of them tonight and I was joking with our squad that I was going to try to let out all my tears now so that I could be fine at graduation. Actually, I have to tell you I was crying last night at prom pictures and I jokingly said to one of the moms, I think there is something wrong with me because I am crying all the time. Without missing a beat, she said, “no Meg that’s just you.,” which immediately cracked me up. 

I don't know if I will be crying or laughing at graduation on Sunday but I do know that you are the best of all the good daddy and I have to give, and we are so proud to share you with the world.

99 Days

99 Days till departure.

Tonight, is the eve of your last day of high school. For almost this whole year I have felt alone in my sadness about your probable departure, but in the last few weeks as we get closer to graduation, I have had conversations with parents who express the same feelings of sadness.  I will say it again, 18 years is not enough time.  Everything about you is constantly evolving and I hate that I am going to miss bearing witness to each subtle shift.  I want to be there for all of it, and it just feels so unfair that in a few short months you are not going to be coming home to me each night to debrief about your day.  

 

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”  A.A. Milne

124 days

124 Days until Departure 

The decision has been made. For the last 40+ days there has been a lot going on, but all of that is put aside and you have taken that giant step towards the next stage of your life. You are going to college! Dad and I are so proud of you and the person that you are and we could not ask for more from you. You are going to continue to thrive and shine in everything you do and we are all so excited to see what happens next. 

There have been so many thoughts that have gone through my head over the last month and a half, but I have not wanted to take even a moment to slow down to capture those thoughts; everything has been happening at a break neck speed, and I didn't want to miss a moment of it: acceptance letters, college visits, stressing over who to go to prom with, senior assassin, and all of the other end of year planning that happens during senior year. 

Today when dad, your sibling, you and I were gathered, and we talked again about whether or not you were ready to not only go to college, but also to make the decision to commit to a specific school, there was a moment when we all were crying. It was emotional for all of us and each of us for different reasons. If I had to guess, I would guess that there was one emotion we all had in common, fear of change. 

Everything about this is so confusing, how can you be this old, when it feels like just yesterday, we brought you home from the hospital? How can I be so sad that you are going to leave, and yet so excited to see you spread your wings and fly? It is a such a paradox and I wonder when it will all begin to make sense. Maybe it won’t, but no matter what, the one thing I am never confused about or unclear about is how much I love you.

Congratulations you Red Devil!