3 Days

3 Days till departure 

Today you spent the day packing while different family and friends came by to say goodbye. You talked with people about your classes and everyone, including you, seemed really interested in your courses. We had a fun moment when you checked your email and saw that a professor had assigned a 37 page reading for a meeting that you will be having during orientation, and you were like, “I have to read all of this for day one?!!” 

At your college the students, including your two roommates, who are doing the pre-orientation program moved in today. Your roommates reached out to you to show you pictures of what will be your room as they moved in, and they checked in with you to make sure the decisions being made were comfortable for you. I went onto the parent page for your college and there was not one single negative sentiment expressed. People were writing with their appreciation for how well the day was organized and how smooth the transition was into the dorms. One parent wrote that they really appreciated the welcome address from all the administrators and it was obvious how much respect and care the school has for their students. I told you that in a world where it is so easy to go on social media to complain it made me feel good that your school seems to always be praised. 

As much as I am not ready to let you go, I have to admit that I have a really good feeling that you are going to a place that will do right by you.

4 Days

4 Days till Departure 

Every summer the family gets together for movie night, and we all agree it is one of the highlights of the summer. Tonight the relatives were gathered and we all talked about how much growth you are going to have this year, how good it is that you will have some independence, how proud we all are of you. Because this was the 20th anniversary movie night, we had the red carpet, swag bags, and even an usher to carry our things into the party. Spirits were high, the pool was warm, and as always, the food was delicious and plentiful. This year for the 20th anniversary, instead of our usual Casper cartoon to start things off, we had a slideshow of all the pictures from the past 20 years. It was so great to remember all the different movies and see how we all had grown and changed over the years. Rather than feeling nostalgic at watching the pictures of you growing over the years, I was just so happy to belong to a family that celebrates togetherness…then the movie started. 

Take it from me, “If” is not the movie you want to watch right before your kid goes to college. And just to save you the trouble, don’t read “Love You Forever,” either!

5 days

5 Days till Departure 

 

A lot of people have been checking in with me knowing that we are about to have this momentous event in our lives. Every time I am asked, I think I am honest about how I am feeling. If it is a moment that I am struggling, I admit it, and if it is a moment when I am feeling excited about the future, I share. 

I had two people say to me today that they appreciated that I spoke about this journey, as not a lot of people talk about how much they feel like this is a tremendous loss which should be grieved. I know what they mean and I am glad for the compliment, but when I heard that today I wondered if I am really being totally truthful. 

I read an article recently about how mothers and their children are tightly bonded because cells from one another’s body are transferred in utero and stored in one another’s brains. There are so many times when I can rationalize what is about to happen, and I truly know that everything is okay, but my body still behaves as though it is in trauma mode. The idea that you are not just a part of me because we are a family but in fact it is because an actual physical piece of you is still residing in me, makes a lot of sense. Thinking that this upset is a biological response and that I am programed to feel this way, makes it so much easier to understand why this is so overwhelming. Now if someone can just send me the article that explains how grieving the passage of time, especially when it comes to your children is good for your health, then I think I will be able to go back to things feeling okay.

6 days

6 Days till Departure 

From the moment you were born I have prayed that you would be healthy and happy, but always in the back of my mind was the extra prayer that someday the world would be as fair for you as it would be had you been born a boy. With the speech at tonight’s DNC, I am seeing my prayers answered.

7 days

7 Days till departure 

For whatever reason, Dad had the television on and they were playing Disney’s The Fox and The Hound. It just was at the part where Todd and Copper have grown up and are seeing each other for the first time. Copper is now a hunting dog and his owner tries to shoot Todd. In order for Todd to have a safe life his owner drops him off at a nature preserve. He is a fox after all and he is supposed to live outside in nature, but because he has been inside his whole life he is not used to things and he really doesn’t have the skill set to take care of himself at first. His first night on his own it rains and he doesn’t have shelter. Luckily a porcupine takes him in, but not before he gets soaked and we have to see him cold and wet and suffering. 

You walked by, and I asked you if you knew enough to get out of the rain, because I won’t be there to get you or tell you, and you reminded me that has already happened to you. You then recalled a time in middle school when you were at a game at the fields and it started to rain and everyone left, even the coaches, and they forgot to check if all the kids got picked up. 

 I have been sad all day and torturing myself with images of you crying in the rain, but as I started to write I remembered two things. One, until you reminded me about the middle school thing, I had forgotten about it so I can admit that even though you were alone in the rain, it clearly didn’t upset me enough to dwell on it, and two, in The Fox and The Hound, Todd is only sad for the first night, as first thing in the morning he meets Vixey and they live happily ever after. (wink, wink)

8 Days

8 Days till departure 

We were sitting next to one another eating and I did what I always do which is grab your napkin to use it for myself. Without batting an eye you said “I am not going to miss that.” Then we joked and I said you have to let me keep doing it until you leave because I will miss it, and you told me that it was a good idea for me to start learning now how to use a napkin by myself so that it wasn’t so shocking when all of a sudden you were gone. 

For the record, I have always known how to use a napkin; I just always love the look you give me when I take yours. I am pretty sure you were serious when you said you weren’t going to miss it, but I promise you I will.

9 Days

9 Days till departure 

 I haven’t written for a while. There are a lot of reasons. The main one being that I have been so busy watching you and observing every single moment in your life to lock them into my memory. I have been watching you while you worked and I see what an amazing teacher you are—you are just a natural with kids and I have a lot of peace knowing that if you decide to be a parent you will do great. I have been watching you as a friend and seeing all the lengths you will go to show those you love how you care about them, and I know that will always be who you are. I have been watching you as a romantic partner, and it is honestly the sweetest thing in the world, and I am so lucky that I got a front row seat to this special time in your life, you are not super demonstrative, you haven’t lost your head over this, but your smile, your joy, and your chill in knowing that you have someone else who has your back is a delight to watch, and as a parent, knowing that you chose a partner who is as good and honest and kind as you are makes my heart full. 

I also haven’t written because I have been going through my own journey and I haven’t wanted to confuse all the feelings. As you know, I lost my job and with it, it would seem a large part of my identity. I have been trying to find myself outside of being a worker and it has been hard. For the past 18 years the label I have been most proud of is being your mother. I will always be your mother, but as we both know, my time as being the center of your universe is over. 18 years, is not enough time, and the fact that your departure coincides with this other life altering event makes the feelings messy. I try to comfort myself that the reason these events are coinciding is so I can show you how no matter what life throws at us, we will always be strong and we will always have each other. Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt in your ability to deal with adversity, you have an incredible mind and heart and a vast network of people who love you, but I suppose I want you to know that you also come from a long line of survivors. 

Finally, I think I haven’t written because I thought if I stopped, then maybe time would stop too. Of course, that didn’t happen and now, here we are. We have started to say goodbye to some of your friends who have left already and, I don’t know what else to say, it sucks.