124 days

124 Days until Departure 

The decision has been made. For the last 40+ days there has been a lot going on, but all of that is put aside and you have taken that giant step towards the next stage of your life. You are going to college! Dad and I are so proud of you and the person that you are and we could not ask for more from you. You are going to continue to thrive and shine in everything you do and we are all so excited to see what happens next. 

There have been so many thoughts that have gone through my head over the last month and a half, but I have not wanted to take even a moment to slow down to capture those thoughts; everything has been happening at a break neck speed, and I didn't want to miss a moment of it: acceptance letters, college visits, stressing over who to go to prom with, senior assassin, and all of the other end of year planning that happens during senior year. 

Today when dad, your sibling, you and I were gathered, and we talked again about whether or not you were ready to not only go to college, but also to make the decision to commit to a specific school, there was a moment when we all were crying. It was emotional for all of us and each of us for different reasons. If I had to guess, I would guess that there was one emotion we all had in common, fear of change. 

Everything about this is so confusing, how can you be this old, when it feels like just yesterday, we brought you home from the hospital? How can I be so sad that you are going to leave, and yet so excited to see you spread your wings and fly? It is a such a paradox and I wonder when it will all begin to make sense. Maybe it won’t, but no matter what, the one thing I am never confused about or unclear about is how much I love you.

Congratulations you Red Devil!

173 Days

173 Days till departure 

Today was one for the books. Today was the Semi-Final round of Festival. You have been working so hard as an actor on this show and there have been so many times that you have doubted yourself in the process. It has been interesting to watch you struggle to believe that you are enough in this role, as it is exactly how I always feel about most things I do in my life. More on you as an actor in a bit. You also have been the main coordinator for the day, which we were hosting. As the coordinator you have had to keep all the balls in the air, and organize not only our volunteers, but be the point person and face for everyone else involved in the day. You were responsible for over 300 people’s experience and it was an incredible amount of responsibility to place on your shoulders. 

The day started with you waking up and checking your email and finding out that you were accepted into UVM. So far you have heard from two schools and you are accepted at both of them. No matter what, you now have a choice about your future, and this week hopefully you will have even more schools to choose from. It is so surreal to see the world opening up for you and to imagine your future. Each day I say to myself, I cannot wait to see what happens next. 

Back to Festival, the day started a bit rocky with two strange lighting moments. You and I both were bothered by it, but I saw you really struggle with worry about whether you were somehow responsible for what happened. Of course, you weren’t, but I know that you must have been sitting with a lot of feelings throughout the day. Then it came to our turn to perform our show. Your first scene had a missed line and I watched you struggle to figure out how to not let it bother you. That scene was a bit rough for you, but you have created such a believable character that it actually seemed intentional. The rest of the play you were so careful about listening to your scene partners and hands down you and your cast mates delivered some of the most sophisticated student acting I have ever seen. 

At the end of the day the judges called your name first to win an All-Star Acting Award. I saw you receive the news with true surprise and genuine humility. Your sibling was there cheering you on and so was dad, it was so special to have the whole family share that moment. As if that wasn’t enough, several people stopped me to tell me how brilliant you were, and then the judge stopped dad and I to say that you were an exceptional performer and that you really have a true gift. 

As a parent I want so many things for you but high on the list is that others see in you what I see in you. To have so many people validate your work and to recognize all the wonderful traits and qualities you have is all that I could ask for. My darling girl, I say all the time that you are a bright shining star; I know it, your family knows it, and it is so affirming to see that when you share that light with others, they know it too.

177 Days

177 Days till departure 

Today you voted for the first time. I love that our town cheers for all first-time voters an gives out a little American Flag; it is so lovely. It is Women’s History Month and I hope you always have in the back of your mind the fact that women had to fight for the right to vote, and it should never be taken for granted. 

This day is super weird, because unbeknownst to me, I was on the ballot. Turns out I signed a paper a little while ago, for what I thought was supporting the Democratic Town Committee, when in fact it turns out, I signed up to run for Democratic Town Committee. So not only did you get to vote, but on your first vote you got to elect your own mother. In addition to that, you have been witness to the very public debate over the school budget and my job. I do not know how things will sort out but right now it looks like I am out of a job, and you and I both know it is not for any reason other than the fact that I am a threat to the man in charge. 

 I spend a lot of time thinking about how my actions and behavior are interpreted by you and your sibling. Already I see that you have my work ethic and you share my frustration when others are not as capable as you are. I see your leadership skills and I see you lead by example. I also see you striving for perfection and really punishing yourself when you don’t achieve it. Please hear me when I say this, perfect is the enemy of the good. 

You my darling girl are a miracle. We have talked about your birth and I honestly believe had you been born in a different country or a decade earlier, one of us would not have made it through the delivery. You are here and you are healthy and smart and talented and beautiful. You are kind and curious, you are pure light made of stardust and there is nothing in this world that can change that. 

On this day, when you cast your first ballot and you are hurtling towards adulthood and a future beyond your mom and dad’s house, know how proud we all are of you and how loved you are today and every day.

216 Days

216 Days until departure

Moments like these are what I am going to miss most, and also, how am I supposed to send you into the world if you still don’t know this?  

You: Mom, you know the song, “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause” 

Me: Yes? 

You: I just realized what that means! 

Me: That she is kissing… 

You: Her husband!!!!

242 Days

242 Days until departure 

It has been a minute. An entire month has passed by and I haven’t written. This is not due to you not being remarkable but rather due to just being so darn busy. Highlights of the last month, you finished applying to all your colleges, including the supplemental essays and portfolios. You have picked 5 colleges total and I think you would be pleased to attend any of them. You have already heard from one, who accepted you and offered a merit based scholarship, so at the end of the day you know there is at least one place for you to go, if you continue to want to go to college. 

You and your sibling have taken an interest in helping me with the new families that I am supporting at the shelter and I cannot even express without tears how freaking proud this makes me. To see you comforting a child and speaking Spanish, to see you engaging with all sorts of people no matter their background, to see you and your sibling arranging your schedule so you can do more volunteering is truly more than I can ask for… you keep exemplifying our belief that “service is our prayer,” and I truly could not ask for more. 

The other day the Pepères declared this the year of you. Though I am not willing to let go of you, I am starting to come around to the idea that there is a lot of good instore for both of us in the coming year. My darling, darling child, may this year be one filled with health and filled with happiness. May you be exactly where you are supposed to be in the fall and may you find new members of your tribe that are as good as the people who are already there. May you never doubt that you come from love and may you continue to spread love to everyone you know. 

Happy New Year!

273 Days

273 Days till departure

It has taken me some time to get back to reality after the close of the play. The universe always provides though and today I got a smack of reality when I opened an email from the school and saw this message: “Dear Parents and Students of Class of 2024 of Sharon High School Graduation is around the corner and we're excited! Below is a link to Build-a-Grad where you can order your official recommended attire for graduation. Cap, gown, and tassel are all necessary items for procession. Please place your order ASAP to assure a timely delivery.” 

 

Now that I am back to reality let me say that GRADUATION IS NOT AROUND THE CORNER. Stop speeding up my timeline, stop interfering with my dream state where we all get to live together happily forever. I know it is coming but just like we can’t have Thanksgiving before Halloween, we should not have to book graduation items until we at least get to semester two, or get into college, or have the calendar flip to the actual graduation year.

283 Days

283 Days till departure

We just wrapped Anastasia. You were truly sublime in the show and it was my deepest pleasure to be able to share this experience with you. So many people talked about you going on from high school to do performance on a professional level, and they were all surprised when I shared that you have not expressed a desire to continue. 

One of the things that I admire most about you is that you have always known your own mind and you have never wavered from following your own path. Whether you never perform again or you go on to a life filled with performance, we will always have this weekend, and I will cherish this experience for the rest of my life.