90 Days

90 Days till Departure 

And just like that, it happened. It was a lovely day, perfect weather, nice ceremony, you had all your friends and relatives at a wonderful party, I don’t think we could have asked for more.

92 days

92 Days till Departure 

Today was your graduation rehearsal and the walk-through of all the elementary schools. Right away I got a picture from your dad who was at one of the schools. It was of you and your two best friends. Though it was of you as seniors I couldn’t help but see the little kids you once were. I cried all the way to my two best friends, and together we walked over to your elementary school to see you all walk through the school. 

Some of my favorite moments in parenting are when I get to watch you or your sibling you have no idea that you are being observed. This happened at the elementary school where you were surrounded by elementary kids who you work with during the school year. They were so excited to see you and you made sure to give each kid time and attention. There was one kid who arrived in the room where you were leaving and he burst into tears thinking that he missed an opportunity to interact with you. One of the teachers made a point to come up to me to make sure I knew that this happened, followed by comments about how exceptional you are. Obviously, this teacher was not telling me anything I didn’t know, but I am going to tell you there is nothing better than hearing from others that they see you the way I do.

93 Days

93 Days Till Departure. 

Last night was Prom. You were absolutely stunning in your black dress and your make-up and hair were perfect, but what made it so beautiful was how happy you were. You have recently started dating someone who you seem to really like and who treats you like the queen that you are, and it is just the best feeling in the world as a mom to see you so happy, and full of all the best things about your age. Honestly, your joy is so infectious that it is nearly impossible for me to be sad about all of this. 

Tonight was class night and you were invited to participate as you were the recipient of four awards. It was a special night because the majority of the awards went to kids from your elementary school. It was amazing to know each kid and to see them all grown up and ready to conquer the world. I have always felt there was something special about your elementary group and I truly am as excited for all of them as I am for you. I was crying for many of them tonight and I was joking with our squad that I was going to try to let out all my tears now so that I could be fine at graduation. Actually, I have to tell you I was crying last night at prom pictures and I jokingly said to one of the moms, I think there is something wrong with me because I am crying all the time. Without missing a beat, she said, “no Meg that’s just you.,” which immediately cracked me up. 

I don't know if I will be crying or laughing at graduation on Sunday but I do know that you are the best of all the good daddy and I have to give, and we are so proud to share you with the world.

99 Days

99 Days till departure.

Tonight, is the eve of your last day of high school. For almost this whole year I have felt alone in my sadness about your probable departure, but in the last few weeks as we get closer to graduation, I have had conversations with parents who express the same feelings of sadness.  I will say it again, 18 years is not enough time.  Everything about you is constantly evolving and I hate that I am going to miss bearing witness to each subtle shift.  I want to be there for all of it, and it just feels so unfair that in a few short months you are not going to be coming home to me each night to debrief about your day.  

 

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”  A.A. Milne

124 days

124 Days until Departure 

The decision has been made. For the last 40+ days there has been a lot going on, but all of that is put aside and you have taken that giant step towards the next stage of your life. You are going to college! Dad and I are so proud of you and the person that you are and we could not ask for more from you. You are going to continue to thrive and shine in everything you do and we are all so excited to see what happens next. 

There have been so many thoughts that have gone through my head over the last month and a half, but I have not wanted to take even a moment to slow down to capture those thoughts; everything has been happening at a break neck speed, and I didn't want to miss a moment of it: acceptance letters, college visits, stressing over who to go to prom with, senior assassin, and all of the other end of year planning that happens during senior year. 

Today when dad, your sibling, you and I were gathered, and we talked again about whether or not you were ready to not only go to college, but also to make the decision to commit to a specific school, there was a moment when we all were crying. It was emotional for all of us and each of us for different reasons. If I had to guess, I would guess that there was one emotion we all had in common, fear of change. 

Everything about this is so confusing, how can you be this old, when it feels like just yesterday, we brought you home from the hospital? How can I be so sad that you are going to leave, and yet so excited to see you spread your wings and fly? It is a such a paradox and I wonder when it will all begin to make sense. Maybe it won’t, but no matter what, the one thing I am never confused about or unclear about is how much I love you.

Congratulations you Red Devil!

173 Days

173 Days till departure 

Today was one for the books. Today was the Semi-Final round of Festival. You have been working so hard as an actor on this show and there have been so many times that you have doubted yourself in the process. It has been interesting to watch you struggle to believe that you are enough in this role, as it is exactly how I always feel about most things I do in my life. More on you as an actor in a bit. You also have been the main coordinator for the day, which we were hosting. As the coordinator you have had to keep all the balls in the air, and organize not only our volunteers, but be the point person and face for everyone else involved in the day. You were responsible for over 300 people’s experience and it was an incredible amount of responsibility to place on your shoulders. 

The day started with you waking up and checking your email and finding out that you were accepted into UVM. So far you have heard from two schools and you are accepted at both of them. No matter what, you now have a choice about your future, and this week hopefully you will have even more schools to choose from. It is so surreal to see the world opening up for you and to imagine your future. Each day I say to myself, I cannot wait to see what happens next. 

Back to Festival, the day started a bit rocky with two strange lighting moments. You and I both were bothered by it, but I saw you really struggle with worry about whether you were somehow responsible for what happened. Of course, you weren’t, but I know that you must have been sitting with a lot of feelings throughout the day. Then it came to our turn to perform our show. Your first scene had a missed line and I watched you struggle to figure out how to not let it bother you. That scene was a bit rough for you, but you have created such a believable character that it actually seemed intentional. The rest of the play you were so careful about listening to your scene partners and hands down you and your cast mates delivered some of the most sophisticated student acting I have ever seen. 

At the end of the day the judges called your name first to win an All-Star Acting Award. I saw you receive the news with true surprise and genuine humility. Your sibling was there cheering you on and so was dad, it was so special to have the whole family share that moment. As if that wasn’t enough, several people stopped me to tell me how brilliant you were, and then the judge stopped dad and I to say that you were an exceptional performer and that you really have a true gift. 

As a parent I want so many things for you but high on the list is that others see in you what I see in you. To have so many people validate your work and to recognize all the wonderful traits and qualities you have is all that I could ask for. My darling girl, I say all the time that you are a bright shining star; I know it, your family knows it, and it is so affirming to see that when you share that light with others, they know it too.

177 Days

177 Days till departure 

Today you voted for the first time. I love that our town cheers for all first-time voters an gives out a little American Flag; it is so lovely. It is Women’s History Month and I hope you always have in the back of your mind the fact that women had to fight for the right to vote, and it should never be taken for granted. 

This day is super weird, because unbeknownst to me, I was on the ballot. Turns out I signed a paper a little while ago, for what I thought was supporting the Democratic Town Committee, when in fact it turns out, I signed up to run for Democratic Town Committee. So not only did you get to vote, but on your first vote you got to elect your own mother. In addition to that, you have been witness to the very public debate over the school budget and my job. I do not know how things will sort out but right now it looks like I am out of a job, and you and I both know it is not for any reason other than the fact that I am a threat to the man in charge. 

 I spend a lot of time thinking about how my actions and behavior are interpreted by you and your sibling. Already I see that you have my work ethic and you share my frustration when others are not as capable as you are. I see your leadership skills and I see you lead by example. I also see you striving for perfection and really punishing yourself when you don’t achieve it. Please hear me when I say this, perfect is the enemy of the good. 

You my darling girl are a miracle. We have talked about your birth and I honestly believe had you been born in a different country or a decade earlier, one of us would not have made it through the delivery. You are here and you are healthy and smart and talented and beautiful. You are kind and curious, you are pure light made of stardust and there is nothing in this world that can change that. 

On this day, when you cast your first ballot and you are hurtling towards adulthood and a future beyond your mom and dad’s house, know how proud we all are of you and how loved you are today and every day.