333 Days

333 Days till departure

Tonight, you said that you think Nightmare on Elm Street is funny. It suddenly occurred to me that I cannot think of a single time you have ever told me that you were scared. I was waxing on in my head about how remarkable it must be to not be afraid of anything and then I remembered, of wait, you are scared of turkeys.

334 Days

334 Days till departure 

Let me start off by saying, I am not dying. I am stating that fact not for you, but for me, because I have just spent the last 40 minutes trying to think about something to write, and when I tried to come up with a good writing prompt for myself, I asked myself what I would want to make sure I told you if I knew I was dying. As you know, my imagination and my hypochondria are strong and before I knew what was happening, I was crying. I was crying not because I was going to die (which I am not going to do) but because I couldn’t think of any brilliant words of wisdom to impart. Then I was struck by inspiration and I got all excited to share with you my final piece advice (again, not my final, I am totally alive and well) and I got all excited at how brilliant today’s journal was going to be. I came over to where my computer was and got ready to write when I realized that what I was about to say was 100% ridiculous and 100% not what I would want my last piece of advice to you to be (for the record it had something to do with buying new underwear when the elastic gives out.) This caused me to start laughing at myself which triggered a coughing fit, because I still haven’t been able to get rid of my cough, which then made me start thinking that maybe I had tuberculosis, which could cause me to die, but not really because I have had a TB shot, though maybe it is time for a booster. Which has now got me worried that people are going to start calling me Typhoid Mary. Which I would not like to be called because as you know if I was going to get a new name it would be Sunny. I would keep writing to you tonight but unfortunately I have to go and google if Typhoid and TB are the same, just in case I contract either. 

335 Days

335 Days till departure

Tonight, we were coming home from a lovely family visit, and you started to fall asleep in the car. God, I am going to miss family drives where you fall asleep in the car. 

 

Most people don’t know that I had hyperemesis gravidarum when I was pregnant with you. To my knowledge there is still no information on what causes this, but I used to hypothesize that it was because you were so active. You never slept. Not when I was pregnant with you, and not for the first year of your life. The only time you would sleep was when we were in the car. 

Watching you sleep in the car was one of my favorite things when you were a baby. Mostly it was because I would finally be able to take a break, but also it was because asleep, you were finally still enough where I could just look at you. You as a sleeping infant, is no different than you are as a sleeping young adult; absolutely perfect!

336 Days

336 Days till departure

I want to let the world know that you have an amazing set of friends. One of the things I recently realized is that I don’t only have to let go of you but I also have to let go of all of my surrogate children. 

I have had the true pleasure of working in the school department and getting to see these kids in a setting that most of their families don't get to experience. It is one of the greatest privileges to be able to see so many young people growing into themselves. The future is so bright in all of your capable hands.

337 Days

337 Days till departure.

I forgot to write last night but that was because I was so tired. You were too, as we had been traveling and our plane was delayed. As we all were upset about the delay and trying to figure out a reasonable time to get up and get going in the morning, you were stressing about making it to school on time, because you had an obligation to run your club which meets too early and too often (that is my opinion not yours). Even though you were only going to get less than four hours of sleep, even though I was telling you to skip your club, even though there are other people who could cover for your absence, you still insisted on fulfilling your obligation. Not only did you fulfill that obligation (though I think you were a few minutes late) you also scheduled yourself to work an evening shift at your second job, which you went to after putting in a full day of school and three hours of after school rehearsal.

Though I admire your work ethic and your commitment to fulfill your obligations, I want you to always remember that we can never get back time, so spend it wisely. Take the time to rest so that you can be fully present in every moment; take the time to enjoy your tasks, so they don't become a burden; and finally, take the time to always talk to your mother, because no one loves you more than she does.

339 Days

339 Days till departure 

Youism that occurred today.  

1. Celebrating eating dinner at 5:30. 

2. Changing the settings to Spanish so that only you understand what is being said. 

3. Checking several times to be assured that your outfit is appropriate. 

4. Having a complete giggle fit about nothing. 

5. Glaring at your sibling.

340 Days

340 Days 

Your sibling says you are going to get a big head from all the glowing praise I am heaping on you. I tried to explain that this is more about me than you, but you know how siblings are. So to show her that I am not completely unreasonable about you I am going to share some things that are not so glowing. You have split ends, you have an irrational fear of turkeys, you are grumpy if you do not have caffeine, and you never clean up after yourself.

341 Days

341 Days till departure

Today I had another proud mama moment. We were in line waiting when an announcement came over the loudspeaker to notify of us of a delay and instructions about what to do. There was a family behind us that didn’t speak English. The mother of that family came up to us and asked us what the instructions were, and you were able to speak with them in Spanish and provide them with information. I saw that mother light up when you started to speak to her, and I had to walk away before I embarrassed myself by crying in front of her. 

You are so ready to take on the world, other than more time, I could not ask for more.

342 Days

342 Days till departure 

It is 12:22 and you just reminded me that I didn’t do today’s journal. Here’s the journal, now go to sleep!

343 Days

343 Days till departure

I ran into three different people today who shared their thoughts and feelings about when they were in my shoes and their kids were transitioning to life after high school. They all said that it was definitely hard to adjust and they validated that it was sad and there was a grieving period, but they all shared that there is so much joy in seeing your children come into their own. 

I don't know what is in store for you or your sibling, but I do know that the thing I want most out of life is for you both to be happy and healthy. You and your sibling are so impressive because you are both your own people and you are comfortable in your own skin. I didn’t get to that place in my life until I was in my 30’s. Knowing yourself and loving yourself is a great foundation to start from and if I trust the people I spoke with today, and in fact I do, then your future is going to be very bright. And maybe, just a little bit, I might have to admit, that I am excited to see it.

345 Days

345 Days till depatrure

Today you sat next to me and you said, “it’s going to be alright mommy.” And just like that, I believe that it is true.

346 Days

346 Days till departure 

Today you and your friends were doing some homework outside, and you called me over to join your conversation; it is moments like these that make me feel like the luckiest mom in the world.

347 Days

347 Days till departure

There was a moment today when we were riding in the car and I thought to myself, how do I capture this feeling? How do I hold on to these moments where it is just you and me, just talking about whatever random thing comes up, singing songs, and asking each other questions?

348 Days

348 Days till departure

I have a lot of feelings about today. It is a milestone birthday for your sibling, but we couldn’t celebrate because they have COVID, and while we were all adjusting to that fact, we learned of the passing of friend. God, I wanted to hold you both so badly today; Fucking COVID! 

Each time I write I try very hard to not reveal any personal details about the people I am talking about because I have no idea if this journal will live forever in cyberland. And though I choose to publicize my thoughts and feeling, I want to respect the fact that I can’t make that choice for my family. That there is permanence to this digital record, while the people who are creating it are impermanent is one of the reasons I chose to write this journal. I want to make sure there is always a place you can go to connect to me and to this time in our lives. I want to make sure you and your sibling always have a record of how much I love you both, and how much you have made me whole. There is nothing I love more than being your mother, and I hope there is never a day where you don’t believe that to be true.

349 Days

349 Days till departure 

Ugh! I forgot to write yesterday, and it is killing me, I can’t believe I missed a day. The reason I didn’t write was due to me taking pain meds to deal with my back which knocked me out. I do not want you to have back issues or any physical ailments, but if something should come your way, I sincerely hope you are surrounded by people who take as good care of you, as you did of me.

351 Days

351 Days till departure 

One of the things that I admire most about my children is how brave they are. They never back down from a challenge or hide from something that frightens them. 

For days I have been watching you wrestle with a decision. You have talked about it, analyzed it, weighed it and everything in between. In the end, in spite of it being scary, you made a choice to try something that was not easy for you. 

When I think about sending you out into the world, naturally I think about how you will handle all the things that will come up that are difficult. But once again you have proven to me that my fears for you are unwarranted. You continue to risk without expectation of reward and I truly believe that will always be a secrets to your success.

352 Days

352 Days till departure 

When the day comes and we are not living together, one of the things I will miss most is all the silly things that you say. Case in point, today. 

You: “reading is so annoying because you have to think while you are doing it.” 

Me: “but you love reading” 

You: “but not books that you have understand.”

353 Days

353 Days till departure 

My back is out so I haven’t been able to do much other than watch you and your sibling leg wrestle each other. Oy!

354 Days

354 Days till departure 

When I set the goal of writing every day, I didn’t realize that some days are not only with out inspiration, they are just plan boring. Oh wait, there was one fun moment today during the thunderstorm, where you fell of the couch because the lightning was so close and the thunder was so loud. We all thought it was hysterical and had a good laugh. Then we all sat together just watching the rain fall.

355 Days

355 Days till Departure 

You were fortunate to meet your two best friends in first grade. As the three of you got ready tonight for your last homecoming dance as high school students, I made a wish about your future. I won't share exactly what I wished for, after all I do want it to come true, but I will share this Irish proverb, (maybe it will appeal to the Irish in you); a best friend is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have. How lucky must you be to have found two already?

356 Days

356 Days till Departure

Today one of your closest friends turns 18. Her mom wrote some beautiful words to express her feelings on this occasion. She spoke about drawing a line in the sand and crossing over it, and the image of the sand has been playing out all night in my head. 

Shifting sand, line in the sand, sands in an hour glass, write it in sand; there are many sand metaphors that speak about the passage of time and its impermanence. While the speed at which time is passing is alarming and is what started this journal, tonight, I cannot help but feel comfort in the image of sand. 

No natural thing comforts me more than the ocean. I adore everything about the sea and I love all the ways that it has been a fixture in my life. From my grandmother’s house on the ocean, all the nautical décor in my home growing up from my Navy family, or my brother’s pirate band, the ocean surrounds me even when I am solidly on land. For me sand is just as much a part of the ocean as the water. 

This past year I wrote a play which took place on an island. There were themes of loss, of growing up, and of the ocean. 

“It is time to tell you knew the truth about your mother. The land, it is what gives you your roots, it will always tether you to something. The land people are solid and sturdy. Now some people don’t like to be tethered, they want to be free to float and drift. Those are the sea people. They are able to move with the tides and they are comfortable knowing that sometimes they will drift a long time before they find what they are looking for because they understand that the world is a circle, and no matter how far you go, eventually, you will always come back, right where you started. “ 

My play was a love letter to a lot of people, places and things, but I didn’t realize then how much it was also going to advise me. “No matter how far you go, eventually, you will always come back, right where you started.” 

To today’s 18 year old, and to my soon to be 18 year old, I can’t wait to see where the tide will take you.

357 Days

357 days till departure 

Right now, your B is soaring through the floorboards as you practice an audition song in front of your sister. Earlier the two of you went over your homework with one another and tried to unpack math. I am upstairs with your dad and I can tell you that right now, this moment, is hands down, the best moment of my day. 

My two children helping each other, supporting each other, encouraging each other, my best friend sitting by my side, bearing witness to these beautiful moments; who could ask for anything more? 

357 day Part Two: 

My habit is to write the blog and then let it sit for a bit before posting.  After I wrote, I went down stairs filled with all the warm feels only to stumble into a classic parent phenomenon, "the melt down that came out of nowhere." 

The whole time that I was talking with you and listening to you, you kept checking in with me and saying, “I am so sorry I am stressing you out.” My darling child, hear me, you are not stressing me out. Parenting you is never stressful, watching you wrestle with your emotions and feelings is not stressful, holding you while you cry is not stressful. My life is full and rich because of you and your sibling and moments like these, where you are hurting and I am able to provide comfort, while difficult, are so special to me. 

I love being your mom, and I love you.

358 Days

358 Days till departure 

Today was interesting as many mothers who I am not friends with on social media, and therefore have no idea about my ongoing journal, expressed to me their feelings of sadness over their children aging. One person was talking about their child who was starting Kindergarten, another about their child who was a freshman in college, another about their child turning 11 and hitting puberty. It seems that I am not the only one who is struggling with my children aging. 

Most people who read this probably do not know this fact about me but I am obsessed with the cartoon Bluey. It is 100% pure brilliance and if you have not seen it, you need to stop right now and go watch a few episodes. Today I watched an episode called “Mum School,” where Bluey did not want to take a bath and instead of bathing, pretended to be a mother to a group of balloons. Bluey’s mother, Chili, was assigned the task of running “mom school” and grading Bluey on how well she did at pretending to be a mom. At the end of the episode, when Bluey could not get one of the balloons to cooperate, she said to her mother, I probably did not pass, and Bluey’s mother brilliantly responded, “that’s okay, we all fail mum school sometimes.” This is what I love about Bluey, I am simultaneously undone and comforted by the sentiment and I feel totally seen. 

To my fellow parents: though we will fail, what really matters is that we do love.

359 Days

Today is my birthday. When I was a kid, I remember how much I enjoyed my birthdays. It was a whole day about me; each year filled with hope and promise of all the amazing things to come. I also remember how excited I was to get older each year. On my 10th birthday I thought I couldn’t be happier; I had finally reached the magical double digits. That thrilling feeling of growing up lasted all the way through my 21st birthday. Back then, every year was the best birthday, and every birthday wish was about growing up and living my best life. 

In my 20’s I had some very nice birthdays, but they definitely started to lose their luster. They seemed hollow, and as I started to interact with a broader group of people than those who were just my same age, I started to notice there were many people who did not like their birthdays at all. These people subscribed to the, “it’s just another day” philosophy, and would often complain about how difficult aging was. I recall debating with one of these people that life is really precious and we should take every moment to celebrate the miracle that we have been given by our birth. But my optimism was met with sarcasm, and a smug, “you’ll see.” 

In my 30’s, birthdays became a miracle again, for that is when I became a mom. My birthday was nothing compared to the birthdays of my children. All my birthday joys came in the form of planning an amazing day for my kids to ensure sure they knew how miraculous they are. 

When my 40’s started I tried to get back to loving my own birthday again. I was so confident that my 40’s were going to be the best years of my life so far, and in many ways they were. But as I have been approaching the end of my 40’s all the voices of the people who told me birthdays aren’t special as you get older has been ringing true. Somehow, I unintentionally got to the point where I was actually saying to people, “it’s just another day,” and had nothing happened this year for my birthday I believe I would have been okay with that. 

But my children were raised in my house where I have told them that they are miracles and that birthdays are important to celebrate the miracle that is you. They were not going to let me get aways with it being “just another day.” This whole weekend was filled with love and laughter and all the things that make me happy. I truly could not have asked for anything more. 

Today marks the start of my last year in my 40’s. All my birthday wishes from the past came true, I did get older and I have a great life. So because my wishes seem to come true I want to use my power to share this year’s wish with you all; may we all continue to grow in health, happiness, and wisdom surrounded by the people that we love.

360 days

360 Days till departure.

Today was a pretty typical day, you and your sister playing and sharing secrets. The two of you both told me you were going to read in the hammocks, and every time I looked out the window there you were talking to each other. I have no idea if any reading took place, but I know that cementing your bond was definitely accomplished.

361 Days

361 till departure 

Today my daughter and I gave blood. I am borderline anemic and I get deferred more times than I am able to donate, but every time I am accepted for donation, I cannot help but feel personally connected to humanity in a spiritual way. 

I will tell anyone who wants to listen about my positive feelings regarding donating, and last year when my oldest was age eligible to donate herself, she did. To say I was proud is an understatement; I mean there is such an immense swelling of all the good feels when you realize that your kids not only listen when you speak of your values, but also choose to put them into practice. It truly is a sublime feeling. 

Given my history of deferment, we assumed iron levels may also be an issue for my oldest and sure enough the second time she tried to donate she was deferred. She took it in stride but I know that it bothered her, because in the weeks leading up to today’s donation, she tried to do everything she could to ensure there would be success. Thankfully, there was success, but it came from an unexpected source; yes, we were both able to donate, sure, it was something we did together, and yes, she directly saw her efforts to improve her chances rewarded. But the really success came from what we learned while at the drive, for you see, today’s blood drive was being held in honor of child that we know who has leukemia. 

This child is the same age and grade as mine, and every day since I have learned about this child, I have been thinking of them and sending them all my thoughts and prayers. Giving blood felt like a way to control the total randomness of life where some kids get sick while others never do. It felt good to combat that helpless feeling by doing something concrete and something so physically impactful. 

While at the drive, looking at my own child who is healthy enough to donate her blood to others, I saw the father of the child who we were all there to support. My heart was heavy, but then I overheard him sharing a story of how his child’s prognosis is really good and many of the positive outcomes they were hoping for so far have come true. 

There are always those moments when I think about that phrase, “There before the grace of god go I.” Today, as I was spending time being grateful for this other child’s improving health, I also said a prayer thanking the universe that my main heartache is nothing more than the fact that my own child is growing up.

362 Days

362 till departure 

There are good days too. Today my family surprised me with a nostalgic trip to Storyland. Both Mike and I went as children and we enjoyed many family trips here when our kids were little. I think they all thought that I might cheer me up to take a walk down memory lane....they were right. 

We did everything just like when they were little, except this time we didn’t have to worry about diaper bags, or carrying anyone when they got too tired of walking, or negotiating who was going to sit next to who on the ride. It was a good reminder that if I allow myself to think about it differently, there are some benefits to them growing up. 

There was one bittersweet moment at the back of the park where the tractor ride is, when the two of them remembered how they used to fight over which color car they were going to ride in. My youngest made a comment about how simple life used to be back when the biggest drama in her life was not getting the right color car. We were all waxing nostalgic as we got on our tractor only to find out that we are all too big to sit in the front seat. 

Today was filled with laugher and play, and it just felt so damn good to be happy. I love my family, and I am so grateful for the life we get to live together.