348 Days

348 Days till departure

I have a lot of feelings about today. It is a milestone birthday for your sibling, but we couldn’t celebrate because they have COVID, and while we were all adjusting to that fact, we learned of the passing of friend. God, I wanted to hold you both so badly today; Fucking COVID! 

Each time I write I try very hard to not reveal any personal details about the people I am talking about because I have no idea if this journal will live forever in cyberland. And though I choose to publicize my thoughts and feeling, I want to respect the fact that I can’t make that choice for my family. That there is permanence to this digital record, while the people who are creating it are impermanent is one of the reasons I chose to write this journal. I want to make sure there is always a place you can go to connect to me and to this time in our lives. I want to make sure you and your sibling always have a record of how much I love you both, and how much you have made me whole. There is nothing I love more than being your mother, and I hope there is never a day where you don’t believe that to be true.

349 Days

349 Days till departure 

Ugh! I forgot to write yesterday, and it is killing me, I can’t believe I missed a day. The reason I didn’t write was due to me taking pain meds to deal with my back which knocked me out. I do not want you to have back issues or any physical ailments, but if something should come your way, I sincerely hope you are surrounded by people who take as good care of you, as you did of me.

351 Days

351 Days till departure 

One of the things that I admire most about my children is how brave they are. They never back down from a challenge or hide from something that frightens them. 

For days I have been watching you wrestle with a decision. You have talked about it, analyzed it, weighed it and everything in between. In the end, in spite of it being scary, you made a choice to try something that was not easy for you. 

When I think about sending you out into the world, naturally I think about how you will handle all the things that will come up that are difficult. But once again you have proven to me that my fears for you are unwarranted. You continue to risk without expectation of reward and I truly believe that will always be a secrets to your success.

352 Days

352 Days till departure 

When the day comes and we are not living together, one of the things I will miss most is all the silly things that you say. Case in point, today. 

You: “reading is so annoying because you have to think while you are doing it.” 

Me: “but you love reading” 

You: “but not books that you have understand.”

353 Days

353 Days till departure 

My back is out so I haven’t been able to do much other than watch you and your sibling leg wrestle each other. Oy!

354 Days

354 Days till departure 

When I set the goal of writing every day, I didn’t realize that some days are not only with out inspiration, they are just plan boring. Oh wait, there was one fun moment today during the thunderstorm, where you fell of the couch because the lightning was so close and the thunder was so loud. We all thought it was hysterical and had a good laugh. Then we all sat together just watching the rain fall.

355 Days

355 Days till Departure 

You were fortunate to meet your two best friends in first grade. As the three of you got ready tonight for your last homecoming dance as high school students, I made a wish about your future. I won't share exactly what I wished for, after all I do want it to come true, but I will share this Irish proverb, (maybe it will appeal to the Irish in you); a best friend is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have. How lucky must you be to have found two already?