242 Days

242 Days until departure 

It has been a minute. An entire month has passed by and I haven’t written. This is not due to you not being remarkable but rather due to just being so darn busy. Highlights of the last month, you finished applying to all your colleges, including the supplemental essays and portfolios. You have picked 5 colleges total and I think you would be pleased to attend any of them. You have already heard from one, who accepted you and offered a merit based scholarship, so at the end of the day you know there is at least one place for you to go, if you continue to want to go to college. 

You and your sibling have taken an interest in helping me with the new families that I am supporting at the shelter and I cannot even express without tears how freaking proud this makes me. To see you comforting a child and speaking Spanish, to see you engaging with all sorts of people no matter their background, to see you and your sibling arranging your schedule so you can do more volunteering is truly more than I can ask for… you keep exemplifying our belief that “service is our prayer,” and I truly could not ask for more. 

The other day the Pepères declared this the year of you. Though I am not willing to let go of you, I am starting to come around to the idea that there is a lot of good instore for both of us in the coming year. My darling, darling child, may this year be one filled with health and filled with happiness. May you be exactly where you are supposed to be in the fall and may you find new members of your tribe that are as good as the people who are already there. May you never doubt that you come from love and may you continue to spread love to everyone you know. 

Happy New Year!

273 Days

273 Days till departure

It has taken me some time to get back to reality after the close of the play. The universe always provides though and today I got a smack of reality when I opened an email from the school and saw this message: “Dear Parents and Students of Class of 2024 of Sharon High School Graduation is around the corner and we're excited! Below is a link to Build-a-Grad where you can order your official recommended attire for graduation. Cap, gown, and tassel are all necessary items for procession. Please place your order ASAP to assure a timely delivery.” 

 

Now that I am back to reality let me say that GRADUATION IS NOT AROUND THE CORNER. Stop speeding up my timeline, stop interfering with my dream state where we all get to live together happily forever. I know it is coming but just like we can’t have Thanksgiving before Halloween, we should not have to book graduation items until we at least get to semester two, or get into college, or have the calendar flip to the actual graduation year.

283 Days

283 Days till departure

We just wrapped Anastasia. You were truly sublime in the show and it was my deepest pleasure to be able to share this experience with you. So many people talked about you going on from high school to do performance on a professional level, and they were all surprised when I shared that you have not expressed a desire to continue. 

One of the things that I admire most about you is that you have always known your own mind and you have never wavered from following your own path. Whether you never perform again or you go on to a life filled with performance, we will always have this weekend, and I will cherish this experience for the rest of my life.

288 Days

288 Days till departure.

I haven’t been able to write a lot because we are just so darn busy. In three days, it will be opening night for Anastasia, in which you play Anastasia. People probably do not know this but when you saw it on the Broadway tour you said, I am going to play that part someday. For your 13th birthday we let you do a master class with Christy Altomare, the original Broadway Anastasia, and you were the first kid in the class to perform for her. You told me afterwards that maybe you weren’t going to be able to play Anastasia because you weren’t the best singer. 

Another thing people may not know is that when you were 10 you had a life saving surgery. At the time we were asked if we wanted to donate the tissue from your surgery to science, and we said yes. Today, you received a letter from Boston Children’s Hospital asking you for permission to keep your sample, now that you were 18. You were funny, you asked me what they would do with it and if there was any way you could be the next Henrietta Lacks. 

I love that you know who Henrietta Lacks is, I love that you get to play a role you dreamed about when you were a kid, I love that you got all A’s on your report card and still thought there was room for improvement, I love that you say, I love you to your parents and your sister and your friends, honestly, I just love you!

292 Days

292 Days till departure

Well, it happened, you turned 18.

293 Days

293 Days till departure.

Tomorrow is your birthday. It is the day that you legally become an adult. This time 18 years ago, I knew I was going into the hospital to have you. I couldn’t feel you moving and went to my doctor’s office. She sent me home saying that everything was fine but she would see me at 7 am for an induction. 

Your father and I came home and ordered Chinese food; I wonder if that has anything to do with why you like it so much. I stayed home to call everyone and tell them that you were coming tomorrow. While I was making phone calls, dad went to get the food, and on his way back a new driver rear-ended him. It was no big deal and everyone was fine, but I was so upset. I remember thinking how terrible the person was that would hit someone who was about to have a baby. Tonight, I am thinking that young driver was probably you or your sibling’s age and how much my perspective has shifted about who really had it worse in that fender bender. 

I remember not being able to sleep. I was scared that something was wrong because you were not moving nearly as much, I was scared that everything between your dad and I would change and we wouldn’t be us anymore, and I was really scared that I might not love you. We had such a tough time together during pregnancy and I didn’t trust my capacity to love my family, my friends, your dad, and still have room in my heart left to give to you. 

Looking back on that night 18 years ago, there are so many thoughts, but the main one is how silly I was to think that I ever had to worry about loving you. You who showed me how to love unconditionally, you who taught me there is good in everyone, and you who remind me every day that the purpose to all our lives is to love.

294 Days

294 Days till departure

I post each of these entries on social media and I think am careful about not revealing or sharing too many details about you or your sibling. I want to protect your anonymity in case you never want to be associated with this document, and given that many people that you see in your daily life read this, I try to be careful about sharing the more personal details. 

This week we have been leading up to your 18th birthday. Each day I have been going over the timeline 18 years ago and thinking about where I was and what I was doing.  For example, your initial due date came and went already. 18 years ago after your due date passed, I did everything in my power to try and induce labor on my own. Bumpy car rides, excessive walking, drinking castor oil, eating pineapples, intercourse (sorry but it is true), but nothing seemed to work. On this day 18 years ago, I went to the hospital for a check-up because at that point my Braxton Hicks contractions were intense and they told me that nature would take its course any minute, They assured me if it didn’t they would not let me go past the 10th and we made an appointment at that time for a planned induction. Obviously given your birthday you know how that went. 

If you had asked me 18 years ago, what I would think about today, I would have said back then that we would never get to today because you were never going to be born. I also might have said I will be lucky if this kid gets to 18 because it (I actually called you it, because I didn’t know your gender) has been trying to kill me this whole pregnancy and I am not sure either of us is going to make it. In my wildest dreams when I pictured 18 years into the future, I never would have predicted the thing that happened today. But because truth is stranger than fiction and today happened.  

301 Days

301 Days till departure.

Yesterday, you and your friends were Sneetches. I love that you still dress up. I spent today thinking about all your past Halloween costumes. It was so fun, until I decided it would be a good idea to write down all the costumes for this journal. It was all fun and games until I realize that I am missing a year: Duck, Cinderella, Goldilocks, Red Riding Hood, Peacock, ? Cheetah, Waitress, Pocahontas, Werewolf, Rae, Hermione Granger, Black Cat, Grandma, Alvin, Halloween Girl, Juice, Sneetch. 

How can I be missing a year? I have a picture of every single one of these costumes, but I have no idea what happened to that year. Were you sick? Did we all stay in? Did we do something else instead? It is not like I forgot what happened on a random Tuesday in a random month in a random year, I literally have no memory of a once-a-year event that we celebrate every year, which also is a highly photographed event. 

What was supposed to be a whole day of fond reminiscing turned into a nagging fear that I am now so old that I am losing my memory. I thought maybe I could take solace in the fact that there were no pictures until my brain started to tell me that I do have pictures but I have just forgotten where I put them. 

This forgetting makes me really glad that I am doing this journal so there is a record of this time in both our lives. That is of course until I forget to write, or forget what I wanted to write about, wait a minute, who am I talking too?

306 Days

306 Days till departure

There have been a lot of days lately where it has been impossible to write, either because I was too tired, or uninspired, or I forgot, or it was too personal. The too personal is interesting because this is a journal and I should be able to say personal things, but I have vowed to make this public and I do not want to say anything that could be held against you or me in the future. 

The last couple of days I have been pondering this weird paradox that is occurring for me, which is that the more I see of the actual world falling apart, the more I am able to see my personal world getting better. Hold on, that is not right. My personal world is not actually getting better it is just that I am perceiving it as better in comparison to how messed up everything else is. There is too much violence, too much pain, too much struggle, and as all the negatives pile up, I feel the temptation to succumb to their weight and allow them to pull me under. But unlike the past, where I would have sunk to the bottom of a well of sadness, I have found a lifeline that keeps me not just bobbing above the surface, but floating safely in a boat, and that lifeline starts with you. 

Not just you, but you, and your sibling, and your friends, and all the kids we know. The new families that we have welcomed into town, and my fellow citizens who are caring for these families. My co-workers, and all the people who are working hard every day to make their little piece of the world better. Everywhere I look, I see people doing their best, supporting one another, and trying to make things better for themselves and those they love. I see acts of kindness everywhere, in plain sight, and the more I look for them the more I see them.

314 Days

314 Days till you depart

My wish for future you, that no matter where you live they have good fried rice.

315 Days

315 Days till departure.

I haven’t been able to write in a bit due to a variety of things, but somewhere in the past 5 days you submitted college applications. AHHHHHHHH! How did this happen. In truth I wouldn’t have probably even known, as I have been so busy, but as parents we get cute emails from the schools that you submitted to, thanking us for supporting you on your journey. Then we got an email directing us to apply for your FAFSA number, which was a lot less cute, but very appreciated as I probably wouldn’t have known to do that either, because I am still busy trying to pretend that this is all NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!!!

320 Days

320 Days till departure

I missed writing yesterday. It went by in a total blur because I was doing something that was unexpected but that I love, which was organizing to solve a problem. Our town is welcoming in new families who have arrived through what is currently labeled the migrant issue. In our town there is a positive energy among those of us who are working on this, as we all feel the call to serve in this time of need. Yesterday I got to meet parents and their children. Friends and colleagues all worked together to do some assessment of needs, procurement of supplies, and laundry. When I came home, you told me that you would really like to meet the new families, and I know that you sincerely mean it. 

Today was more of the same, and I had that feeling I get, which I only get, by helping others. It is the feeling that my life means something. I love being in service to others, almost as much as I love being you and your sibling’s mom. I have many wishes for you, (ha ha, that seems to be a common theme of this journal,) I wish that you will always be healthy, I wish that you always have as supportive a friend group as you have now, I wish that when you select a partner that you always bring out the best in one another, I wish that you should you want a family that you have one and that they are all healthy and happy. But today I am adding to that list, and that wish is that you always get to do work that fulfills you.

322 Days

322 Days till departure 

I cried at the rally for Israel today. I cried for the people in my town who are helpless to make the violence against their people in Israel stop. I cried for all the innocent children in the world who suffer at the hands of adults. I cried about the world that we are handing over to you. It is not fair, it is not right, and I so hoped to make things better for you. 

Then you came to me and asked me to look at a piece you are potentially submitting for potential college applications. It was about a time when you were brave enough to confront injustice. You confronted it not because it was something that personally harmed you, but because you absolutely could recognize right from wrong. 

I know I have said it before, but I cannot stop saying it. I am so blessed to be your parent.

323 Days

323 Days till departure

Tonight, for a fun family activity, we took turns reading childrens books to your sibling. You were listening and enjoying up until we made you take a turn to read, and then you acted all bothered. We all sat on the couch together, even the dog and cats were with us, and I just thought to myself, what I wouldn’t give to bottle this moment. 

I am so lucky, I am so blessed, I am so grateful.

327, 326, 325, 324 Days

327, 326, 325, 324 Days until you depart

It has been a few days. On Saturday we had a moment where we talked about the blog and I told you which moment from the day I would be writing about. It was how you came in with the epic hunger save and suggested we go to Cumby’s to get snacks. We all laughed at you and were like, “what could we get there, a pack of gum and a slushy?” We went and it was a true snack oasis with an incredible variety or salty, sweet, junky, and healthy options. We talked about how the story heavily praised Cumby’s and what would happen if next year you were not living near a Cumby’s, how would you bring any new friends to your favorite snack store. Then we listed other stores like 7-11 and Wawa and wondered if they were as good, and hypothesized that it would be fun to find out. 

 All that happened, while across the globe terrorists made headlines by committing atrocities against innocent people. Thinking about the difference between my time in school and the global crises I was aware of, versus the ones that you have had to face in your school years is sobering. Your generation is much more politically aware then mine was at that time, and though I am hopeful that your political acumen will result in a brighter future for your generation, I cannot help but feel bitter at all the innocence your generation has been robbed of. 

I wish you knew a time where whole neighborhoods of kids would play together until the streetlights turned on or you were called in to eat dinner. I wish you knew a time where there was a limit to how much media you were exposed to because every night the television stations would actually stop showing programing, the phone could only be used by one person at a time, and computers were not interesting to kids unless you wanted to learn how to write in BASIC. I wish you knew a time where you could just be in a moment or with yourself, with a book, or with a friend, and nothing would disturb your peace until you decided to go find someone else to interact with. 

I know every generation waxes nostalgic about their youth to those who are younger than them, but regardless if your generation, mine, or your grandparents had it the best, I do wish that all children would have a childhood where they could just be children. Where they could just do typical children things like talking about convenient store snacks, and not ever have to deal with all the ways people harm people.

328 Days

328 Days till departure 

10 random things I love about you: 

1. How you can’t do anything serious without laughing. 

2. How adventurous you are as an eater. 

3. How you wake up every morning with a smile on your face, even if you are still tired. 

4. How humble you are about the things you are good at. 

5. How you don’t take crap from anyone. 

6. How you can spell everything. (and for clarity, I mean all words not just the word everything.)

7. How much you enjoy new experiences.

8. How much you love your relatives.

9. How patient you are to constantly show me how to use social media.

10. How you baby talk the dog.  

329 Days

329 Days till departure 

I left work at the end of the day and I ran into a friend who also has a senior and they made a point to tell me how amazing you are. As a parent there is no better compliment than to hear that people think your kid is pretty great. I told them that their kids is great too, which is absolutely true, and we spoke about our kids futures and how we were both in agreement that we all get to where we need to be and that the most important things for our kids are that they are happy and that they are confident about who they are. 

I was thinking a lot today about some kids who I know about, who are not coming from families like ours and circumstances like ours and how much harder it is to get to where you need to be when there are so many things working against you. I know that you are aware that not everyone is growing up like you and that not everyone has the same access to opportunities that you do. The one thing I would like to tell you today is that you do not have to ever feel guilty for what you have, but you do have a responsibility to help others learn from what you know. Better people make a better world, and in my opinion, and in the opinion of that friend today, you are one of the best.

330 Days

330 Days till departure 

There are things that we inherit from our family because we share DNA; things like our ethnicity, our appearance, and our genetic predispositions. There are things we inherit from our family due to how we are raised; things like our values and morals, our religion, our taste in music. Sometimes families share habits, or speech patterns, or senses of humor. Families share food, they share clothes, they share relatives, they even share secrets. There are many things that families share and yet, even with all that sharing, there are still things that are unique to the individual. I love how much we have in common; I love that you will always be a part of me, but I love even more how much you are your own person, how unique you are, how confident you are to be who you are.

331 Days

331 Days till departure. 

I asked you what I should write about and you said puppies and kitties. I am not going to write about puppies and kitties but I will write about polar bears, specifically your polar bear, Barney. 

Barney was given to you by one of my friend’s parents for your birthday. From the moment you saw him, you loved him, and you loved him in a way that you had not loved any stuffed animal prior. Around the time that you got Barney people started using the term “lovie” to describe the item that a child carries around with them, like a blanked or a stuffed animal. Though that word never caught on in our house, I always thought it was the perfect word to describe Barney. 

I truly do not know what to say next about Barney other than, I am so glad the two of you have one another and I hope neither of you ever gets lost.

332 Days

332 Days till departure.

It was the annual town celebration today and you were the photographer for the event. Though I do not know what your future career will be, you have expressed interest in a possible future in photography, and it was really cool to see you trying out a potential future career. 

There is this thing called Baader-Meinhof which is the phenomena that once you notice a thing for the first time then you notice it all the time. Ever since I started writing it is like people are coming out of the woodwork to share with me their stories about when their kids transitioned out of the house. I can only think of one person who truthfully spoke to me about this before I started writing and now everyone talks to me about it. Universally, everyone mention that it was a tough adjustment. I hear stories of how people cry, feel lost, and are unsure of how to relate to their spouse. I hear stories of how people are struggling to adjust to the new norm of being a parent of an adult and how strange it feels to transition to being a friend rather than a parent. Every time someone shares these stories with me, I ask if their child is happy and this is also universal, they say yes. Everyone talks about how amazing it is to see their child grow into the person they were meant to be and to discover themselves. I feel like you have always known yourself, but if these stories are to be believed and we are going to transition to being best friends, I truly don't think I could ask for more.

333 Days

333 Days till departure

Tonight, you said that you think Nightmare on Elm Street is funny. It suddenly occurred to me that I cannot think of a single time you have ever told me that you were scared. I was waxing on in my head about how remarkable it must be to not be afraid of anything and then I remembered, of wait, you are scared of turkeys.

334 Days

334 Days till departure 

Let me start off by saying, I am not dying. I am stating that fact not for you, but for me, because I have just spent the last 40 minutes trying to think about something to write, and when I tried to come up with a good writing prompt for myself, I asked myself what I would want to make sure I told you if I knew I was dying. As you know, my imagination and my hypochondria are strong and before I knew what was happening, I was crying. I was crying not because I was going to die (which I am not going to do) but because I couldn’t think of any brilliant words of wisdom to impart. Then I was struck by inspiration and I got all excited to share with you my final piece advice (again, not my final, I am totally alive and well) and I got all excited at how brilliant today’s journal was going to be. I came over to where my computer was and got ready to write when I realized that what I was about to say was 100% ridiculous and 100% not what I would want my last piece of advice to you to be (for the record it had something to do with buying new underwear when the elastic gives out.) This caused me to start laughing at myself which triggered a coughing fit, because I still haven’t been able to get rid of my cough, which then made me start thinking that maybe I had tuberculosis, which could cause me to die, but not really because I have had a TB shot, though maybe it is time for a booster. Which has now got me worried that people are going to start calling me Typhoid Mary. Which I would not like to be called because as you know if I was going to get a new name it would be Sunny. I would keep writing to you tonight but unfortunately I have to go and google if Typhoid and TB are the same, just in case I contract either. 

335 Days

335 Days till departure

Tonight, we were coming home from a lovely family visit, and you started to fall asleep in the car. God, I am going to miss family drives where you fall asleep in the car. 

 

Most people don’t know that I had hyperemesis gravidarum when I was pregnant with you. To my knowledge there is still no information on what causes this, but I used to hypothesize that it was because you were so active. You never slept. Not when I was pregnant with you, and not for the first year of your life. The only time you would sleep was when we were in the car. 

Watching you sleep in the car was one of my favorite things when you were a baby. Mostly it was because I would finally be able to take a break, but also it was because asleep, you were finally still enough where I could just look at you. You as a sleeping infant, is no different than you are as a sleeping young adult; absolutely perfect!

336 Days

336 Days till departure

I want to let the world know that you have an amazing set of friends. One of the things I recently realized is that I don’t only have to let go of you but I also have to let go of all of my surrogate children. 

I have had the true pleasure of working in the school department and getting to see these kids in a setting that most of their families don't get to experience. It is one of the greatest privileges to be able to see so many young people growing into themselves. The future is so bright in all of your capable hands.

337 Days

337 Days till departure.

I forgot to write last night but that was because I was so tired. You were too, as we had been traveling and our plane was delayed. As we all were upset about the delay and trying to figure out a reasonable time to get up and get going in the morning, you were stressing about making it to school on time, because you had an obligation to run your club which meets too early and too often (that is my opinion not yours). Even though you were only going to get less than four hours of sleep, even though I was telling you to skip your club, even though there are other people who could cover for your absence, you still insisted on fulfilling your obligation. Not only did you fulfill that obligation (though I think you were a few minutes late) you also scheduled yourself to work an evening shift at your second job, which you went to after putting in a full day of school and three hours of after school rehearsal.

Though I admire your work ethic and your commitment to fulfill your obligations, I want you to always remember that we can never get back time, so spend it wisely. Take the time to rest so that you can be fully present in every moment; take the time to enjoy your tasks, so they don't become a burden; and finally, take the time to always talk to your mother, because no one loves you more than she does.

339 Days

339 Days till departure 

Youism that occurred today.  

1. Celebrating eating dinner at 5:30. 

2. Changing the settings to Spanish so that only you understand what is being said. 

3. Checking several times to be assured that your outfit is appropriate. 

4. Having a complete giggle fit about nothing. 

5. Glaring at your sibling.

340 Days

340 Days 

Your sibling says you are going to get a big head from all the glowing praise I am heaping on you. I tried to explain that this is more about me than you, but you know how siblings are. So to show her that I am not completely unreasonable about you I am going to share some things that are not so glowing. You have split ends, you have an irrational fear of turkeys, you are grumpy if you do not have caffeine, and you never clean up after yourself.

341 Days

341 Days till departure

Today I had another proud mama moment. We were in line waiting when an announcement came over the loudspeaker to notify of us of a delay and instructions about what to do. There was a family behind us that didn’t speak English. The mother of that family came up to us and asked us what the instructions were, and you were able to speak with them in Spanish and provide them with information. I saw that mother light up when you started to speak to her, and I had to walk away before I embarrassed myself by crying in front of her. 

You are so ready to take on the world, other than more time, I could not ask for more.

342 Days

342 Days till departure 

It is 12:22 and you just reminded me that I didn’t do today’s journal. Here’s the journal, now go to sleep!

343 Days

343 Days till departure

I ran into three different people today who shared their thoughts and feelings about when they were in my shoes and their kids were transitioning to life after high school. They all said that it was definitely hard to adjust and they validated that it was sad and there was a grieving period, but they all shared that there is so much joy in seeing your children come into their own. 

I don't know what is in store for you or your sibling, but I do know that the thing I want most out of life is for you both to be happy and healthy. You and your sibling are so impressive because you are both your own people and you are comfortable in your own skin. I didn’t get to that place in my life until I was in my 30’s. Knowing yourself and loving yourself is a great foundation to start from and if I trust the people I spoke with today, and in fact I do, then your future is going to be very bright. And maybe, just a little bit, I might have to admit, that I am excited to see it.

345 Days

345 Days till depatrure

Today you sat next to me and you said, “it’s going to be alright mommy.” And just like that, I believe that it is true.

346 Days

346 Days till departure 

Today you and your friends were doing some homework outside, and you called me over to join your conversation; it is moments like these that make me feel like the luckiest mom in the world.

347 Days

347 Days till departure

There was a moment today when we were riding in the car and I thought to myself, how do I capture this feeling? How do I hold on to these moments where it is just you and me, just talking about whatever random thing comes up, singing songs, and asking each other questions?

348 Days

348 Days till departure

I have a lot of feelings about today. It is a milestone birthday for your sibling, but we couldn’t celebrate because they have COVID, and while we were all adjusting to that fact, we learned of the passing of friend. God, I wanted to hold you both so badly today; Fucking COVID! 

Each time I write I try very hard to not reveal any personal details about the people I am talking about because I have no idea if this journal will live forever in cyberland. And though I choose to publicize my thoughts and feeling, I want to respect the fact that I can’t make that choice for my family. That there is permanence to this digital record, while the people who are creating it are impermanent is one of the reasons I chose to write this journal. I want to make sure there is always a place you can go to connect to me and to this time in our lives. I want to make sure you and your sibling always have a record of how much I love you both, and how much you have made me whole. There is nothing I love more than being your mother, and I hope there is never a day where you don’t believe that to be true.

349 Days

349 Days till departure 

Ugh! I forgot to write yesterday, and it is killing me, I can’t believe I missed a day. The reason I didn’t write was due to me taking pain meds to deal with my back which knocked me out. I do not want you to have back issues or any physical ailments, but if something should come your way, I sincerely hope you are surrounded by people who take as good care of you, as you did of me.

351 Days

351 Days till departure 

One of the things that I admire most about my children is how brave they are. They never back down from a challenge or hide from something that frightens them. 

For days I have been watching you wrestle with a decision. You have talked about it, analyzed it, weighed it and everything in between. In the end, in spite of it being scary, you made a choice to try something that was not easy for you. 

When I think about sending you out into the world, naturally I think about how you will handle all the things that will come up that are difficult. But once again you have proven to me that my fears for you are unwarranted. You continue to risk without expectation of reward and I truly believe that will always be a secrets to your success.

352 Days

352 Days till departure 

When the day comes and we are not living together, one of the things I will miss most is all the silly things that you say. Case in point, today. 

You: “reading is so annoying because you have to think while you are doing it.” 

Me: “but you love reading” 

You: “but not books that you have understand.”

353 Days

353 Days till departure 

My back is out so I haven’t been able to do much other than watch you and your sibling leg wrestle each other. Oy!

354 Days

354 Days till departure 

When I set the goal of writing every day, I didn’t realize that some days are not only with out inspiration, they are just plan boring. Oh wait, there was one fun moment today during the thunderstorm, where you fell of the couch because the lightning was so close and the thunder was so loud. We all thought it was hysterical and had a good laugh. Then we all sat together just watching the rain fall.

355 Days

355 Days till Departure 

You were fortunate to meet your two best friends in first grade. As the three of you got ready tonight for your last homecoming dance as high school students, I made a wish about your future. I won't share exactly what I wished for, after all I do want it to come true, but I will share this Irish proverb, (maybe it will appeal to the Irish in you); a best friend is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have. How lucky must you be to have found two already?

356 Days

356 Days till Departure

Today one of your closest friends turns 18. Her mom wrote some beautiful words to express her feelings on this occasion. She spoke about drawing a line in the sand and crossing over it, and the image of the sand has been playing out all night in my head. 

Shifting sand, line in the sand, sands in an hour glass, write it in sand; there are many sand metaphors that speak about the passage of time and its impermanence. While the speed at which time is passing is alarming and is what started this journal, tonight, I cannot help but feel comfort in the image of sand. 

No natural thing comforts me more than the ocean. I adore everything about the sea and I love all the ways that it has been a fixture in my life. From my grandmother’s house on the ocean, all the nautical décor in my home growing up from my Navy family, or my brother’s pirate band, the ocean surrounds me even when I am solidly on land. For me sand is just as much a part of the ocean as the water. 

This past year I wrote a play which took place on an island. There were themes of loss, of growing up, and of the ocean. 

“It is time to tell you knew the truth about your mother. The land, it is what gives you your roots, it will always tether you to something. The land people are solid and sturdy. Now some people don’t like to be tethered, they want to be free to float and drift. Those are the sea people. They are able to move with the tides and they are comfortable knowing that sometimes they will drift a long time before they find what they are looking for because they understand that the world is a circle, and no matter how far you go, eventually, you will always come back, right where you started. “ 

My play was a love letter to a lot of people, places and things, but I didn’t realize then how much it was also going to advise me. “No matter how far you go, eventually, you will always come back, right where you started.” 

To today’s 18 year old, and to my soon to be 18 year old, I can’t wait to see where the tide will take you.

357 Days

357 days till departure 

Right now, your B is soaring through the floorboards as you practice an audition song in front of your sister. Earlier the two of you went over your homework with one another and tried to unpack math. I am upstairs with your dad and I can tell you that right now, this moment, is hands down, the best moment of my day. 

My two children helping each other, supporting each other, encouraging each other, my best friend sitting by my side, bearing witness to these beautiful moments; who could ask for anything more? 

357 day Part Two: 

My habit is to write the blog and then let it sit for a bit before posting.  After I wrote, I went down stairs filled with all the warm feels only to stumble into a classic parent phenomenon, "the melt down that came out of nowhere." 

The whole time that I was talking with you and listening to you, you kept checking in with me and saying, “I am so sorry I am stressing you out.” My darling child, hear me, you are not stressing me out. Parenting you is never stressful, watching you wrestle with your emotions and feelings is not stressful, holding you while you cry is not stressful. My life is full and rich because of you and your sibling and moments like these, where you are hurting and I am able to provide comfort, while difficult, are so special to me. 

I love being your mom, and I love you.

358 Days

358 Days till departure 

Today was interesting as many mothers who I am not friends with on social media, and therefore have no idea about my ongoing journal, expressed to me their feelings of sadness over their children aging. One person was talking about their child who was starting Kindergarten, another about their child who was a freshman in college, another about their child turning 11 and hitting puberty. It seems that I am not the only one who is struggling with my children aging. 

Most people who read this probably do not know this fact about me but I am obsessed with the cartoon Bluey. It is 100% pure brilliance and if you have not seen it, you need to stop right now and go watch a few episodes. Today I watched an episode called “Mum School,” where Bluey did not want to take a bath and instead of bathing, pretended to be a mother to a group of balloons. Bluey’s mother, Chili, was assigned the task of running “mom school” and grading Bluey on how well she did at pretending to be a mom. At the end of the episode, when Bluey could not get one of the balloons to cooperate, she said to her mother, I probably did not pass, and Bluey’s mother brilliantly responded, “that’s okay, we all fail mum school sometimes.” This is what I love about Bluey, I am simultaneously undone and comforted by the sentiment and I feel totally seen. 

To my fellow parents: though we will fail, what really matters is that we do love.

359 Days

Today is my birthday. When I was a kid, I remember how much I enjoyed my birthdays. It was a whole day about me; each year filled with hope and promise of all the amazing things to come. I also remember how excited I was to get older each year. On my 10th birthday I thought I couldn’t be happier; I had finally reached the magical double digits. That thrilling feeling of growing up lasted all the way through my 21st birthday. Back then, every year was the best birthday, and every birthday wish was about growing up and living my best life. 

In my 20’s I had some very nice birthdays, but they definitely started to lose their luster. They seemed hollow, and as I started to interact with a broader group of people than those who were just my same age, I started to notice there were many people who did not like their birthdays at all. These people subscribed to the, “it’s just another day” philosophy, and would often complain about how difficult aging was. I recall debating with one of these people that life is really precious and we should take every moment to celebrate the miracle that we have been given by our birth. But my optimism was met with sarcasm, and a smug, “you’ll see.” 

In my 30’s, birthdays became a miracle again, for that is when I became a mom. My birthday was nothing compared to the birthdays of my children. All my birthday joys came in the form of planning an amazing day for my kids to ensure sure they knew how miraculous they are. 

When my 40’s started I tried to get back to loving my own birthday again. I was so confident that my 40’s were going to be the best years of my life so far, and in many ways they were. But as I have been approaching the end of my 40’s all the voices of the people who told me birthdays aren’t special as you get older has been ringing true. Somehow, I unintentionally got to the point where I was actually saying to people, “it’s just another day,” and had nothing happened this year for my birthday I believe I would have been okay with that. 

But my children were raised in my house where I have told them that they are miracles and that birthdays are important to celebrate the miracle that is you. They were not going to let me get aways with it being “just another day.” This whole weekend was filled with love and laughter and all the things that make me happy. I truly could not have asked for anything more. 

Today marks the start of my last year in my 40’s. All my birthday wishes from the past came true, I did get older and I have a great life. So because my wishes seem to come true I want to use my power to share this year’s wish with you all; may we all continue to grow in health, happiness, and wisdom surrounded by the people that we love.

360 days

360 Days till departure.

Today was a pretty typical day, you and your sister playing and sharing secrets. The two of you both told me you were going to read in the hammocks, and every time I looked out the window there you were talking to each other. I have no idea if any reading took place, but I know that cementing your bond was definitely accomplished.

361 Days

361 till departure 

Today my daughter and I gave blood. I am borderline anemic and I get deferred more times than I am able to donate, but every time I am accepted for donation, I cannot help but feel personally connected to humanity in a spiritual way. 

I will tell anyone who wants to listen about my positive feelings regarding donating, and last year when my oldest was age eligible to donate herself, she did. To say I was proud is an understatement; I mean there is such an immense swelling of all the good feels when you realize that your kids not only listen when you speak of your values, but also choose to put them into practice. It truly is a sublime feeling. 

Given my history of deferment, we assumed iron levels may also be an issue for my oldest and sure enough the second time she tried to donate she was deferred. She took it in stride but I know that it bothered her, because in the weeks leading up to today’s donation, she tried to do everything she could to ensure there would be success. Thankfully, there was success, but it came from an unexpected source; yes, we were both able to donate, sure, it was something we did together, and yes, she directly saw her efforts to improve her chances rewarded. But the really success came from what we learned while at the drive, for you see, today’s blood drive was being held in honor of child that we know who has leukemia. 

This child is the same age and grade as mine, and every day since I have learned about this child, I have been thinking of them and sending them all my thoughts and prayers. Giving blood felt like a way to control the total randomness of life where some kids get sick while others never do. It felt good to combat that helpless feeling by doing something concrete and something so physically impactful. 

While at the drive, looking at my own child who is healthy enough to donate her blood to others, I saw the father of the child who we were all there to support. My heart was heavy, but then I overheard him sharing a story of how his child’s prognosis is really good and many of the positive outcomes they were hoping for so far have come true. 

There are always those moments when I think about that phrase, “There before the grace of god go I.” Today, as I was spending time being grateful for this other child’s improving health, I also said a prayer thanking the universe that my main heartache is nothing more than the fact that my own child is growing up.

362 Days

362 till departure 

There are good days too. Today my family surprised me with a nostalgic trip to Storyland. Both Mike and I went as children and we enjoyed many family trips here when our kids were little. I think they all thought that I might cheer me up to take a walk down memory lane....they were right. 

We did everything just like when they were little, except this time we didn’t have to worry about diaper bags, or carrying anyone when they got too tired of walking, or negotiating who was going to sit next to who on the ride. It was a good reminder that if I allow myself to think about it differently, there are some benefits to them growing up. 

There was one bittersweet moment at the back of the park where the tractor ride is, when the two of them remembered how they used to fight over which color car they were going to ride in. My youngest made a comment about how simple life used to be back when the biggest drama in her life was not getting the right color car. We were all waxing nostalgic as we got on our tractor only to find out that we are all too big to sit in the front seat. 

Today was filled with laugher and play, and it just felt so damn good to be happy. I love my family, and I am so grateful for the life we get to live together.

363 Days

363 Days 

 The downside of writing this journal/blog/confessional is people seeking me out to share their similar feelings. There are moments in the day when I can pretend our inevitable separation will not happen and then someone stops to chat and share that they too are going through a separation, and just like I suspected, it feels awful. 

I am glad to know I am not alone, after all misery loves company, but I am sad to know this is real, as it makes pretending it’s not…impossible. 

Speaking of misery loving company, I am not the only one in our house with deep feelings about this. My sophomore is also going through a difficult time as she reconciles that it is inevitable that she too is going to grow up. As we were driving home today, she put on T. Swift’s “Never Grow Up” and sincerely asked the universe why she couldn’t just stay young forever. My heart broke in a thousand pieces, for her, for me, and for everyone who wrestles with the finality of the human experience. We both had tears rolling down our cheeks which made us also laugh and then I assured her that no matter what, she will always be my baby. Yes, it is true that she will always be my baby, and in the saying of that I recognized how wrong it would be of me to selfishly keep her to myself. She is a beacon of light that was put on this earth to shine. Both my children are, and tonight that truth is comfort enough.

364 days till departure

364 days I did not sleep last night. 

The anticipation of this milestone was so built up that I could not get my mind to shut off. I spent a lot of time thinking about the past and how bizarre time is. A memory that I kept turning over was when we were in our baby play group and you were a newborn and I was horrified when a toddler came over to our blanket to touch you. Our group was for parents of new babies but the baby didn’t have to your first-born. Many parents brought their newborn along with an older sibling. At the time, the toddlers stood out to me; they were like wild monkeys just roaming around touching everything, putting everything in their mouths, just being sticky and smelly. (For the record I had some undiagnosed post-partum depression at that time, toddlers of the world please forgive me.) I remember thinking how pure and serene newborn life and routine was compared to the world of parents with toddlers. Then at some point I blinked and the next thing I knew I was in the same group but with your newborn sister and you were the toddler monkey, touching other people’s babies. 

The time warp just keeps happening. I can remember when our friends with older kids were seniors (now they are college graduates) and decorating their cars to arrive to school on the first day declaring their senior status. I swear to you, it was just yesterday, but somehow time screwed with me again and it was actually today that it was your turn to go off to your senior year in your decorated car. 

When you came home today you seemed very content. I tried to pry every detail out of you, not because I care who wore what, or ate what, or sat next to who, but because every single moment that I am with you I am aware of that trickster time, and I do not want to blink again and find myself wondering what happened to this last year.

365 days till departure

365 days till I presume you leave me. It may actually be sooner, it may actually be later, but I do know that it is inevitable and I don’t like it. 

Tomorrow is the first day of your senior year, your last first day of high school as a student, (I will not rule out the possibility that you could be a teacher, let’s be honest you can be anything you want) and it is the start of the beginning of your life that will be separate from me. 

I am going to write you a letter each of these 365 days. I know that the time will come when we don’t live together, but if there is ever a time where you need to hear my voice and you can’t get me on the phone, where you need to be comforted and I am not there to hold you, you will have my words and my thoughts and I hope that it will provide support until we can be together. 

I am going to put these out in public so you can always find them and so others can remind you, to never forget your mother :)